Calder ate yogurt and an organic apple (skin on), and left the kitchen. I didn't see him in the living room nor bedroom and was wondering where he'd gone when I spotted him loitering in the bedroom toilet.
Me: What are you doing, Calder?
Calder: Flossing. Food stuck in the teeth.
Wow.
What a breakthrough - the initiative, and the understanding of the function of flossing.
Hitherto he had only flossed at bedtime. To think that he can break a routine to achieve a purpose - the potential is exhilarating.
These few days, I had been consciously verbalising reasons behind things we do, thanks to an article on improving the problem-solving skills of autistic children. So the night before, when Calder was flossing at bedtime, I explained why he had to visit every gap - to dislodge all the food in between the teeth.
I feel like a tape recorder sometimes, going on with such running commentaries, especially since Calder doesn't reply.
But looks like it's worth the effort.
"How is Calder these few days?"
A question like this is not difficult to answer, unless Calder is around during the answering. It's the same reason why I don't bring him with me for autism talks anymore. Because unless it's all good news, talking about him would bring up memories of misbehaviour frowned upon. Reminding him of past misbehaviour, beside likely making him sad, is sore temptation to make him repeat that behaviour. Because he gets fixated on whatever is foremost on his mind. That's why if I don't want him to point at people's eyes, it's much more effective to distract him with another activity than to warn him "don't point" or "don't keep laughing" or "no spitting". Recently a fellow parent sent me an article about giving statements as prompts instead of issuing instructions. The writer reasoned that statements give more room for choice and initiative. So this morning, when Calder's school bus had arrived but he's still seated (frozen) at the void deck, it's all I could do not to push him forward. And instead of ordering him "go", I said, "The bus is here." Communicating with Calder (and in his presence) has become a high art indeed.
Calder's teachers suggested training him to type on computer. I was wondering what's worth making him type word by word. Bible verses! So I downloaded the app Remember Me that blurs out text bit by bit and that scramble words, and started memorising meaningful verses with Calder.
The procedure:
1. Decide a Bible text for memorising.
2. Copy and paste it onto Remember Me.
3. Get Calder to type out the verse/s on computer.
4. Align the text for easy memorising.
5. Print out two or three sets of this text.
6. Paste around the house.
7. Use Remember Me's blurring function to memorise the text.
8. Use Remember Me's puzzle function to recap the text.
Today's memory verse (aligned):
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40: 30-31
When Calder read aloud, he would pause at the end of a line on the page, but never at the end of a sentence. For the longest time, I had to remind him that he needed to stop at the full-stop. Then I found a good solution - to take turns reading with him, one sentence each. This way, he became sensitive to the full-stop.
It started with the 10-year-old nephew whom I babysit. Isaac likes to help in the kitchen so I taught him to peel carrots. From carrots, it naturally moved to peeling apples. It occurred to me - hey, my own children should learn this too! 11-year-old Ethel was so fearful she put the apple on the plate instead of holding it while peeling. But she progressed and was happy to no longer need Mommy when she wants to eat an apple. Alas so soon, I heard her distress that she had peeled her own finger! "Ooo, my darling got cut peeling apple," I crooned, "grow up already." As for 13-year-old Calder, he was fearless with the peeler, which made it more frightening for me. No mishap so far, hence I decided to let him try cutting his own nails. As expected, the nails were anyhow clipped and went flying everywhere but it's a good start. Unfortunately, this is not something can be practised frequently (nails take time to grow), unless we allow him to cut our nails too. Ummm let's not think about that for now.
One of the things that make Calder happy is when Mommy finds time to guide him in journal writing at the end of the day. Actually, unless I want to introduce a new vocabulary or encourage him to expand his scope of coverage, he doesn't really need guidance any more. I can just sit beside and nod at every sentence he writes, then as part of our routine, get him to read aloud the entry once over before giving him a hi-5 and then a hi-10.
Journal writing is best done when we have spent the day together, because then I can help him find the words to express his experiences. I have tried asking him to write journal when he's spent a day in school but we would get stuck if there's something he cannot put into words. Also, it's difficult to check accuracy when I haven't been with him. The best time is when he has had an unusual day with me. Then he would learn many new phrases and terms just by putting them down in words.
Until Calder started journalling, I never knew he noticed the things around him. He never spoke about them, so it was with great surprise that I found out he remembers them. It could be a phrase I used for a food he ate (e.g. "pork soft-bone") that many months later made its way into his journal, when he ate the food again.
Left to his own device, Calder's journal would be filled with food he ate, transport he took and lift levels he went to. If it's a typical day, one journal record would read just like the previous day's. So I introduce variety by asking him, for example, what someone else ate. Sometimes I asked him to write down important reminders like coming out of the toilet himself instead of waiting for people to call him out.
When he has outings without us, I appreciate deeply when his teachers send me pictures (one or two would suffice) so I can ask what he was doing in those pictures if he has not already volunteered the details of that outing.
How did Calder begin writing journals? It probably started some five years ago, when he was 8. One day, I took a good nap. Yes, the "good nap" is crucial information because it gave me the extra presence of mind to suggest doing something different for bedtime. Calder's usual bedtime consisted of Bible story reading and a short prayer before his Daddy or I kissed him on his forehead goodnight. On this day, I was so energised I ventured to ask him what we did during the day.
Silence. Instead of giving up, I decided to help him answer the question. "We ate pao for breakfast..." I fetched a piece of paper and started drawing as I related what he did during the day. We stopped when we reached the end of the paper. That's when the teacher in me decided to get him to state, as I pointed to the drawings and short phrases, what he experienced during the day.
The next night - we did the same. And the following night too. On the fourth night, I was too tired to go through the whole procedure again. Very nonchalantly, I asked, "So what did Calder do today?" Imagine my surprise when he volunteered the correct answer without first hearing my "model answer". And using "and then?" I slowly coaxed the rest of the day's experience from him.
What a breakthrough! Calder has his own mind! He does register things!
Today, we have a collection of Calder's journals that he likes to read through. Sometimes he would even laugh reading them. He looks especially proud when I take pictures of his journal to send to a friend or relative who has been remembered in that day's journal.
Calder's journal, though simply written, has astounded many people. He can recall colours of seats he took, songs he sang, names etc. It is good evidence and a necessary reminder that behind the odd clapping and bouncing and otherwise-silence is a thinking boy who observes and remembers.
I look forward to the day when Calder can communicate with us not only through his journal but via conversations as well.
When choosing books for Calder, I look out for:
A. Familiar topics
He's happy to read about transport and parts of the body and ... food!
B. Nice photographs
Calder likes things real because they are more familiar compared to cartoons.
C. Simple layout
I steer away from those with text tilted in all directions scattered all over - they are confusing to look at.
D. Brevity
Calder likes to read aloud, so the book cannot be too long, otherwise he would feel too tired reading.
E. Rhyming
A bonus. Rhyming adds pleasant predictability.
Following some of these criteria, good books we have found include:
1. Step-By-Step Transformations series by Cavendish Square Publishing.
2. Healthy Plates series by Valerie Bodden.
3. Discover and Share series by Hachette Children's Group.
4. Step into Reading series by Random House Books for Young Readers.
- Heavy-Duty Trucks
- Wild Kratts
5. Cat in the Hat's Learning Library by Random House Books for Young Readers.
Feel free to share about the books that your autistic child likes.
Calder has learned to use the self-service check-out counters at supermarkets so I am expanding his shopping skills by teaching him to use a shopping checklist. First type in the items Mommy needs, then find these food at the supermarket and check them off.
Calder was almost independent in the toilet except that he didn't know when to start wiping his backside. The solution: $2 timer from Daiso. (I have been using this timer to limit his sister's daydreaming and playacting in the bathroom. When the timer rings in 15 min, her water heater would be turned off.)
Sordid business but I'm going to list here the steps to cleaning up after a poop. I have been the one cleaning Calder's bottom and thought it's a role I'm stuck in for the rest of my life. I even thought I'd have to train Ethel so she could take over when I'm too old for the job or when I'm gone.
We've been trying to teach Calder to clean up himself for years. I followed an online advice and got him to practise wiping peanut butter smeared onto a plate. But just as he had to be reminded to erase thoroughly for a correction, he didn't seem to see the need to thoroughly clean his backside. And so he would perfunctorily wipe when instructed but never aiming to clean off all the dirt. And if I do not want to wash and scrub at underwear, I would sigh and take over the wiping.
When I first decided to chart the steps for Calder to follow, I spent some time finding out the best way for him to do it. In my book "Come into My World: 31 Stories of Autism in Singapore", a mom shared that she used the cue: "1 ,2, 3 wipe. Check. Dirty? Take more toilet paper." But when I followed this, Calder wound up with a toilet bowl clogged with toilet paper. How many squares should he tear out? How many times should he fold them? I tried to find specific instructions on the web but in vain. And there are so many ways to tackle the same goal. Some advocate washing instead of wiping. Some suggest wet wipes. Some say crush the toilet paper. Some assume folding.
One very good thing about Calder is he functions well on clockwork. Even his body obeys the clock - so we could get him to poop at regular timing. At first, it's right after breakfast. Then it became first thing in the morning after a cup of water (this is more convenient if the family goes out in the early morning). So I could train Calder regularly.
But it was not easy because he lacked the motivation. Someone had to prompt and check. Even when supervised, he could never get clean enough. It was perfunctory dabbing rather than wiping. Could it be that his hand just couldn't reach far enough? After much trial-and-error, we solved the problem by getting him to prop one foot up on the toilet bowl as he wipes (note that he empties his bowels at fixed timing at home, so there's little danger of him dirtying public toilet this way). I used to wash him with soap after wiping but figured it's easier for him to use wet wipes on himself, so I taught him the difference in disposal - wet wipes must never be thrown into the toilet bowl.
Much human efforts were invested in this self-care that comes naturally to many of us. But the turning point is God- inspired. Recently, at 12, the cloud lifted and Calder stopped waiting for instructions for every move. He became more aware of what's expected of him and began to want to do things by himself. That's when the training finally clicked. Now Calder is able to take care of himself after a poop. Hip hip hooray! For caregivers who are still cleaning up bottoms, here are steps which may be helpful for training in self-care.
A Mom shared this with me: Her autistic son liked to throw things out of the window. Instead of expending all her energy training and disciplining and reminding him, she blocked up that window. I learned from this Mom that there are ingenious and sometimes actually very simple ways to solve a problem. So I was training Calder to be independent in showering after swimming and noticed that when he tried to find his shampoo in the black swim bag, he pulled out everything else and dropped them onto the wet floor. Solution: Transparent swim bag.
No more hassle of lead breaking (Calder tends to press hard when he writes). No more problem with sharpener shedding dirt. No need to pack pencil plus eraser plus sharpener. And the writing is brighter. Thank God for erasable pen.
