Ulcer

Yesterday, while he was playing game on handphone (probably Jelly Jump or bowling), I showed Calder the ulcer on my lower lip.

Me: Calder, look!

Calder: Ulcer.

Me: It's so painful. What should we do?

Calder: Go dentist.

Young Man

There's a peaceful pair of seniors in my block. The wife is warm in her soft ways and would enquire after my family when we meet. The husband, a Caucasian, is her silent companion, so quiet I don't think I've ever heard him speak, at least not loudly enough for me to decipher his words. Yesterday, I heard him clearly for the first time.

At the bus stop -

Wife: So, how's the young man? (Referring to Calder)

Me: He's very tall now.

Wife: Oh yes, he was towering the other day I saw him!

Husband: It's not so long ago that he was crashing around.

(I don't know about you, but I find this description very amusing, and not inaccurate - what with Calder and his loud movements.)

Gift of the Magi

Teaching two big classes of future software developers. Alongside our reading on the very good story Gift of the Magi, I got the students to present on the topic "The Best Gift". And decided to join in:

THE BEST GIFT

Supernatural power is found not only in computer games. I learned this keenly after giving birth to my son, who has autism. Autism means that my son cannot communicate easily. From young, he didn't seem to understand much of what we said. What's more disturbing is that he couldn't tell us what he thinks. Even now, at 14 years old, he sometimes breaks into tears and we never know why because he couldn't answer our questions. Is it because he couldn't find the words? Or because he didn't want to tell? It's a mystery among many other mysteries that we have to live with, because of his autism. Recently I wondered to myself - because my son could never tell us why, we were never able to help him solve whatever problem it was that was causing him such grief. Almost always, I could only console him by assuring him that Mommy loves him. But the root issue was never resolved. Is love enough, to carry him through all of life's problems? Other than speechless grief that breaks my heart to witness, the challenge of raising an autistic child is meltdown that can build up without warning, especially when outside the house. My son is very tall and strong. How do I get him home when he is upset and wants to stomp his feet, cry out loud, run away, outside the house? During these nerve-racking moments, I summon my supernatural power. I pray: God, help me! And wait for help to come. Therein lies my hope and my courage. It is what keeps me trying. Because I have long come to see that there're serious limits to what a human can do. Without supernatural help, caring for an autistic child is too long and too difficult a journey. If there is no God,  what hope have I that my best is good enough, and that my worst can be remedied? So I do what I can, and leave the rest to God whom I believe is much more able and who loves me and my child enough to intervene, and help. If you ask me what is the greatest gift, I will tell you - it is the gift of prayer.

Shoelaces

Bought Calder a new pair of track shoes and wondered if once again, we have to change the matching shoelaces to some elastic strings. Why not teach him to tie shoelaces, I thought. And so we did. My mom, who babysits when I'm teaching,  starts the project. Then Ethel. Then me and the Dad. And in one week, he finally grasped how to tie a ribbon. In the process, I realised how intricate the process is, to be able to form a tight  and steady ribbon. Is it right over left or left over right,? Do you bring the end from outside in or from inside out? How big a bow should you make? How do you adjust if the ends get so long they touch the floor? How do you undo the shoelaces without making a dead knot? No wonder we were so quick to resort to shoelace alternative when he was young. Because it seemed impossible to teach when he didn't understand our words, when he wasn't looking, when he was easily upset. But he's 15 and has come a long way from that super-unstable kid. Next is the step of faith - to let him wear those shoelaces out, when we're not with him, praying that he wouldn't get stuck when they unravel, that people would help him if he couldn't figure a way out.

Birthday 2019

Just realized it's Calder's birthday today. How can I make it a happy day for him? Restock the yogurt in my fridge. Buy organic apples and perhaps grapes or blueberries too (he's always asking for fruits). Ah yes, Yoyic cultured milk (bigger & hence more satisfying version of Vitagen) or yogurt drink. Magnum ice cream? Butter cream cake? Bring him out for dinner? He doesn't know it's his birthday and wouldn't ask for anything special - the beauty of simplicity. But many things (usually food) can delight him. Let me start by making his favourite bean soup...

Classmate

"Justus," Calder mumbled. 

Curious why he would think of this classmate, I asked, "What did Justus do?"

"No," Calder replied, "I don't know."

"Who is Justus?" I asked.

"Justus is absent. Justus is present."

"Who is Justus?" I persevered.

"God." (His favourite answer to the bedtime Bible story questions)

"Justus is God?!" I challenged.

"Yes" (Another favourite answer.)

So I decided to demonstrate:

"Justus is my classmate."

Automatically, Calder repeated after me: "Justus is my classmate."

"Who is Justus?" I asked again.

"Justus is my classmate." 

"Correct! Who is Brenda?" I ventured.

"Brenda is my classmate."

"Hah?!"

"Brenda is my - church."

I pointed at myself.

And he tried again:

"Brenda is - Mommy!"

Correct!

Slumber

The kids' bedtime are now both at 9pm. Calder, being in a special school with no tests and hardly any homework, easily makes his bedtime every day. In fact, these evenings he even watches the clock to announce "9 o'clock!" - time for bed.

For a change, today Calder slept later than his sister. This was because I wanted him to help me hang the laundry but the washing machine was not done with the clothes yet. Meanwhile, Ethel went to bed obediently - probably tired from battling PSLE  Math this morning. In the 5 mins waiting, I decided a read a library book with Calder. Of course, the book took longer than 5 mins. After that, I settled at the kitchen table to do some marking while Calder hanged the laundry with occasional prompting from me. Done with the bamboo poles, he brought piles of damp laundry to the drying rack in the living room to hang.

Suddenly he appeared before me with his damp school T-shirt. Oh, this shirt would need a hanger. But the hangers are in Ethel's room. Oops, did he barge into her bedroom? I walked from the kitchen to the living room and saw that Ethel's door was open and -- her light on! And she was sitting up on her bed looking bewildered. I quickly turned off her light and closed the door.

By this time, I had noticed Calder's  uneasy countenance. I figured he must have banged right into Ethel's room (the way he bangs any door open), turned on the light to search for hanger, but then was halted by his sister's cry of alarm. Shocked, he had then come out without the hanger, straight to me.

I explained to Calder that we shouldn't go into the bedroom when someone is asleep, that it's ok to hang the school clothes without using hangers. But then I saw him knock his knuckles hard against the rack and I knew that he had been frazzled. Thank God, the unease didn't escalate into a meltdown.

This incident showed me how different Calder is from us, that he has to be explicitly taught how to show consideration for others. It also showed me how vulnerable he is - it's so easy to faze him. But he's learning, and it's so precious - whenever he cooperates with whoever is trying to teach him something.

And now both kids are in bed and I hope both settle into restful slumber.