Thursday, April 4, 2019

Hiding Place

Calder was volatile today, vacillating between grinning and howling. In other words - moody. Is it because the weather was hot? Because I was busy and couldn't give him my full attention? Because he didn't sleep well last night? Something unhappy that happened in school? Because of raging hormones at 14? Or, like what his sister suggested, food allergy? It's another Mystery with a capital M.

What I do know is that when my autistic son gets moody, I have to drop everything I'm doing, and bring him into the dark and quiet bedroom, sit beside him and try to transmit my calm to him. I pat his shoulder rhythmically or massage his fingers one after another, in the attempt to sync my calmer heartbeat to his anxious ones.
This only works if I'm truly calm. So the worst thing that can happen is when he gets more and more agitated and I lose my patience. Because when I use the impatient voice, it gets magnified into his mad rage.

And so time stop while I try to assure him of my love. We listen to serene music or I sing to him. Today, the song that I repeated over and over again was "You are my Hiding Place". And it occurred to me that God has given me this soothing singing voice for the purpose that when my autistic son is born, it can comfort him.

And I'm back on the bed in the dark and quiet room, sitting by him like I mean to stay there forever.

May God give him peace.

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms."
Deut 33 : 27

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