FRIENDS by Brenda Tan
Ever since I
published my first book on autism in 2010, I have often been asked to share my
experience as a parent. I have a son, Calder, who is autistic. On one occasion,
the audience asked me, “Does Calder have friends?” Immediately, I answered,
“How do you make friends when you can’t talk?” Have I answered too quickly, I
wondered. I asked this question of Calder’s younger sister and she exclaimed,
“Oh, his best friend is the lift!”
Let me tell
you about Calder.
Calder was
diagnosed with moderate autism soon after his third birthday. When he was 18
months old, the pediatrician noticed that he did not understand our speech. He
did not turn when she called his name. And when she asked him, “Calder, where
is your nose?”, he looked at her blankly. The pediatrician said to me, “Mommy,
I think you need to bring him for a developmental check.”
It became
clear to me how different Calder was from other neurotypical children. While
the other childcare kids were seated and listening to the teacher, he was wandering
around the classroom. Or hiding under the table. He did not seem to understand
that verbal words could get him what he wanted. Instead of pointing, he would
raise my hand toward the item he’s interested in.
When his
sister came along, the difference became starker. Ethel talked and talked; it’s
as though she had taken over her brother’s quota of words. She’s full of
imagination and stories to illustrate and tell. Calder, given free rein, would
spend all his time opening and closing doors, flipping the switches on and off,
watching the fan spin, flushing the toilet. Even now, his favourite thing to do
is to run to lifts to press their buttons. He would watch the lift approach,
its door opening and closing, before pressing the button again. In vain would I
tell him that we were not taking that lift and so he shouldn’t press its
button.
At three,
Calder was sent for a formal assessment to find out what’s causing his
developmental delay.
It’s autism.
Autism
explains why he liked things to stay the same. Kaya bread must be followed by
jam bread. TV must be followed by music. All shows should only be turned off
after the credits had finished their run. The route to school must stay the
same. If there’s change of plan, or if somebody suddenly speaks or makes a
stern sound, he would melt down. And often, these meltdowns would only cease
when he had completely exhausted himself from the loud tears and angry thrashing.
It was hard
to prevent such meltdowns because Calder didn’t understand our words. If he
did, we would have explained to him why plans had to change. It was hard to
resolve the meltdowns because he didn’t have words to tell us why he’s upset.
It’s like having a foreigner in the house. Instructions were best demonstrated
and most of the time, I found myself using my eyes to assure him that he’s
safe.
How can
Calder make friends when he doesn’t talk? Surely friendship is about
communicating and reciprocating? So, no, Calder doesn’t have friends.
This
perception changed when Uncle Leong came into our lives. Uncle Leong is a
retiree from the English congregation of our church (we attend the Chinese
service). One day, I shared about Calder and his autism to this English
congregation. Not long after, Uncle Leong appeared by our side with sugarless
sweets for Calder. When he found out that Calder preferred chocolates, the
sweets turned to Rocher. Then he learned that Calder likes to eat pao (Chinese
buns). He started delivering tasty cha siew pao to our home. Now he visits us
weekly. If we were not out delivering autism books (Calder likes car rides),
Uncle Leong would sit beside Calder in our living room while Calder plays
bowling on his handphone, or while we watch a video recording of Calder when
younger (because Calder likes to watch himself, we have more than 30 of such
recordings).
Does Calder
talk to Uncle Leong? Apart from the standard greeting (“Hello Uncle Leong!”) and
answers to simple questions like “Is Calder happy?”, hardly. But Uncle Leong is
definitely a friend of Calder – his best friend, in fact.
So I was
wrong to assume that friendship must involve communication, and give-and-take. Instead,
a friend is someone who is happy when you are happy, sad when you are sad.
Not long
ago, I was asked to speak to a group of youths on how we can befriend people
with special needs. I decided to find out by asking special-needs persons
directly. Very soon, I realized that many autistics among the special needs community
cannot answer survey questions like “How can we be kind to you” or “How can we
be your friend?” They either lack the words or the concepts are too abstract
for them. So the parents answered on their behalf. Among those who could
express themselves through writing, it was apparent how hungry they are for
friends, how needful of support.
So I decided
that beside helping the public understand what autism is (for the individuals
and their family), I would like to share how we can be a friend to the autistic:
If the
autistic persons can communicate -
·
Listen
with patience.
·
Chat
at somewhere quiet and cool.
·
Find
common interests.
·
Gently
inform them if they have said or done something that is not socially
acceptable.
·
Explain
ahead if you foresee a change of plans.
·
Befriend
them on social media like Facebook.
·
Speak
directly, not beat around the bush.
·
Do
not keep them waiting.
If the
autistic person cannot communicate well –
·
Eat
together.
·
Join
them in their interests.
·
Find
out about their likes and dislikes from their caregivers.
·
Speak
calmly.
·
Show
appreciation for their strengths.
·
Be
their voice.
·
Protect
them from bullies.
I hope that
having understood autism better, you would be willing to reach out and support
people with autism, verbal or non-verbal. May you be the friend that brings
sunshine into their lives.
Autism is a brain condition that causes difficulty in communication and social interaction. Observable from childhood, autism is also characterized by repetitive behavior or intense interests.
(The above article was adapted for use in Mar 2019 issue of What's Up, Singapore's newspaper for students.)
BULLYING
When I was interviewing autistic
adults for my new book “MY WAY: 31 Stories of Independent Autism”, the issue of
bullying kept cropping up. It seems to be part and parcel of the autistic life!
Indeed, research has found that autistic children are four times as likely to
be bullied than neurotypical children. Bullying is considered to have taken
place if a person intentionally and repeatedly hurt someone who is less
powerful. This hurt can be physical, verbal, social or cyber. In an online
survey, 192 parents in Canada and United States were asked how often their
autistic children (5 to 21 years old) were bullied in the past month and how
long the bullying persisted. A high 77% reported bullying in the past month.
53% of these children were victimized more than once a week. 54% of the cases
had lasted more than a year.
Why are autistic children so
vulnerable? They may have been targeted because of their strange interests or
behaviours. When bullied, they lack the communication skills to explain or
assert themselves. Many are easily distressed, which encourage bullies to carry
on. Due to poor social skills, autistic children lack friends who might
otherwise protect them.
Indeed, peers make a big
difference. It has been found that bullying lasts longer when there is an
audience. This is because bullies enjoy the attention given to their display of
power. So if you merely watch a bullying
episode, you are actually prolonging the hurt being done. On the other hand, if
you intervene, the bullying would stop in 50% of the cases.
Hence, one way to discourage such
bullying is to for peers to understand their role as defenders of the weak. The
school should have a clear system where these peers can go to safely report
bullying. Structures can also be put in place to encourage mingling and making
of friends. Instead of leaving it to the students to find their own teams or
their own seating partner, the teacher can make the decision. This way, the
socially awkward autistic child is less likely to be left out. It has also been
found that children are more welcoming towards peers with special needs if they
have a better knowledge of the special needs. Hence, another way to promote
inclusion is to organize talks on special needs for the student population.
(The above information is taken
from “Bullying Experiences Among Children and Youth with Autism Spectrum
Disorders” by M. Catherine Cappadocia, Jonathan A. Weiss and Debra Pepler as
published in Journal of Autism & Development, 2012.)
Who is
Brenda Tan?
Brenda Tan
is an ex-journalist with more than 10 years of experience teaching English in
tertiary institutions like Nanyang Technological University and Singapore
Institute of Technology. After her son was born, Brenda started writing about
autism. She published “Come into My World: 31 Stories of Autism in Singapore”
in 2010 and “MY WAY: 31 Stories of Independent Autism” in 2018. To enable the
public to understand autism better, Brenda has accepted many invitations to
share her experience as a parent and writer.
Brenda has two children: 11-year-old Ethel and 14-year-old Calder who is
autistic. Brenda can be contacted at www.come-into-my-world.com
.
(The results
of Brenda’s survey on inclusion:
Classroom Activities
1. At the
end of a day, a Mom and Dad talk about their child with autism. Write a script
of their dialogue.
E.g.
Dad: How was
your son today?
Mom:
Dad:
Mom:
2. Imagine
you have autism. Write a diary entry.
3. Find out
about the needs of children with autism. Propose an invention that can help
them.
4. Watch http://www.come-into-my-world.com/autism-video-2.
Discuss how autism may affect the sibling.
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