Walk of a Lifetime

An interview conducted by St Andrew's Autism Centre for Walk of a Lifetime 2025:

1. When you share about Calder, what will you want others to know about him?

That he is unique and precious.

2. If Calder could stand up to tell others about himself, what would Calder say? How will Calder introduce himself?

He's unlikely to want to introduce himself because he is an introvert. If he's not, it might look like this:

I am Calder. I am 21 years old. I work at St Andrew's Autism Centre. When I'm free, I listen to music or play word games on my handphone. I also like to cycle. I like to eat. But I don't take spicy food. I also play the piano, and read books (aloud) with Mommy.

3. What is living with autism like for Calder?

I think our world is confusing and intrusive to Calder's delicate senses. Calder hardly talks so I would never have known until I interviewed 31 autistic adults for my book "My Way: 31 Stories of Independent Autism". For example, I learned that they may feel very lost if the question asked of them is too open-ended. This is because they don't know what constitutes acceptable answers. So I try to give Calder choices among 2 or the most 3 options. Questions probably come across as very troublesome to him. Calder is aware that when people ask questions, they often have preferred answers. So questions become a test of whether he gives the model answers. If you ask him whether he wants cha siew rice or chicken rice, he may say chicken rice. But if you ask again, he would answer cha siew rice because he thinks you're asking again because he has gotten the answer wrong. As a result, it's tricky getting Calder to repeat his answers in a situation where you have not heard him clearly. I think it's terrible when people ask questions flippantly without following up. For example, asking Calder if he wants to go out and after he said yes, deciding that you don't want to bring him out after all. After a few of such experiences, he would be convinced that it's not about what he wants but what the questioner wants. I think it's always important to explain changes of plans or expectations. In this confusing world, however, there are pockets of comfort created by people who try to understand him, who appreciate him and who might even enjoy his company.

4. What is living with autism like for you and your family? How do you see autism? 

It's stepping into a bizarre world of parenting where normal rules don't apply. For a neurotypical kid, you may reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. The latter doesn't work with Calder because if the punishment leaves an impression (as it ought), he'd seek that impression again. So I pretend the misbehaviour is nothing important. I distract him from it. Calder hardly talks. He doesn't tell us what he wants or needs. It's a great deal of guesswork based on his body language. He can't tell us why he's sad or angry. So though our heart is heavy, we can't solve for him the root of his problem. We can only comfort him the best we can, and pray for God to take over. 

5. How have you come to understand, accept and embrace this journey? 

Calder is not a problem to solve but a gift from God.

6. Write a letter to Calder. What do you want to say to him, particularly as he turns 21 this year. It can be a birthday card.  

Calder, Mommy will always love you.

7. Write a letter to the public. What do you want to say to them on Calder’s behalf? 

(How would you like the public’s understanding, acceptance and support for Calder look like?)

This is my son, whom I love. He may be 1.9m tall but he doesn't know the right way to do many things. He may stand too near to you on the escalator. He may fart in the lift. He may bump into you. Or snatch the priority seat from you. He may even laugh when you cry. He may try to close your opened door. He may reach out to straighten the fold on your sleeve. But he doesn't mean any harm. Certainly I have tried teaching him the ways of our world, but it may not stick because he doesn't understand or maybe he doesn't see the point. He is simple of heart. He likes to learn. He can sense kindness. I continue to hope that he'd adapt so that one day when I have to leave him, he won't be lost and helpless. Meanwhile, please be patient with him. And if you can, help him reach for the higher place.