Walk of a Lifetime

An interview conducted by St Andrew's Autism Centre for Walk of a Lifetime 2025:

1. When you share about Calder, what will you want others to know about him?

That he is unique and precious.

2. If Calder could stand up to tell others about himself, what would Calder say? How will Calder introduce himself?

He's unlikely to want to introduce himself because he is an introvert. If he's not, it might look like this:

I am Calder. I am 21 years old. I work at St Andrew's Autism Centre. When I'm free, I listen to music or play word games on my handphone. I also like to cycle. I like to eat. But I don't take spicy food. I also play the piano, and read books (aloud) with Mommy.

3. What is living with autism like for Calder?

I think our world is confusing and intrusive to Calder's delicate senses. Calder hardly talks so I would never have known until I interviewed 31 autistic adults for my book "My Way: 31 Stories of Independent Autism". For example, I learned that they may feel very lost if the question asked of them is too open-ended. This is because they don't know what constitutes acceptable answers. So I try to give Calder choices among 2 or the most 3 options. Questions probably come across as very troublesome to him. Calder is aware that when people ask questions, they often have preferred answers. So questions become a test of whether he gives the model answers. If you ask him whether he wants cha siew rice or chicken rice, he may say chicken rice. But if you ask again, he would answer cha siew rice because he thinks you're asking again because he has gotten the answer wrong. As a result, it's tricky getting Calder to repeat his answers in a situation where you have not heard him clearly. I think it's terrible when people ask questions flippantly without following up. For example, asking Calder if he wants to go out and after he said yes, deciding that you don't want to bring him out after all. After a few of such experiences, he would be convinced that it's not about what he wants but what the questioner wants. I think it's always important to explain changes of plans or expectations. In this confusing world, however, there are pockets of comfort created by people who try to understand him, who appreciate him and who might even enjoy his company.

4. What is living with autism like for you and your family? How do you see autism? 

It's stepping into a bizarre world of parenting where normal rules don't apply. For a neurotypical kid, you may reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. The latter doesn't work with Calder because if the punishment leaves an impression (as it ought), he'd seek that impression again. So I pretend the misbehaviour is nothing important. I distract him from it. Calder hardly talks. He doesn't tell us what he wants or needs. It's a great deal of guesswork based on his body language. He can't tell us why he's sad or angry. So though our heart is heavy, we can't solve for him the root of his problem. We can only comfort him the best we can, and pray for God to take over. 

5. How have you come to understand, accept and embrace this journey? 

Calder is not a problem to solve but a gift from God.

6. Write a letter to Calder. What do you want to say to him, particularly as he turns 21 this year. It can be a birthday card.  

Calder, Mommy will always love you.

7. Write a letter to the public. What do you want to say to them on Calder’s behalf? 

(How would you like the public’s understanding, acceptance and support for Calder look like?)

This is my son, whom I love. He may be 1.9m tall but he doesn't know the right way to do many things. He may stand too near to you on the escalator. He may fart in the lift. He may bump into you. Or snatch the priority seat from you. He may even laugh when you cry. He may try to close your opened door. He may reach out to straighten the fold on your sleeve. But he doesn't mean any harm. Certainly I have tried teaching him the ways of our world, but it may not stick because he doesn't understand or maybe he doesn't see the point. He is simple of heart. He likes to learn. He can sense kindness. I continue to hope that he'd adapt so that one day when I have to leave him, he won't be lost and helpless. Meanwhile, please be patient with him. And if you can, help him reach for the higher place.

Travelling by Bus

Travelling by Bus

After Calder got lost in the MRT once again and I had to go look for him last Monday (13 Oct), I decided to train him to take the bus to work. For the next 4 days, I took Bus 43 with him, showing him the landmarks that signal his destination. "Oh, Marine Terrace. This means we are reaching soon. Look, this building is Marine Gardens. On the left is Fernwood Towers. Ah, traffic light - good time to press the bell. Siglap Linear Park, yes! Alight now." 

The following week, I started letting him take the bus by himself. When the bus is approaching, I would take a picture to capture the vehicle number. Then I show the bus driver Calder's yellow card that says "Please alert me when I am approaching my stop" and ask him to remind Calder to alight at Siglap mrt. Then I send the bus picture to Calder's coaches so that someone would stop the bus at destination point if Calder forgets to alight. The coaches are to step in only when necessary and hide otherwise, so that Calder will not see it as part of the routine for his coaches to collect him. This support should fade off after a week. 

Day 1 (21 Oct) 11.43am

Bus driver was very helpful. When I asked him if he could remind Calder to alight at Siglap, he said no problem - he knew there's a special school there. I told him it's more than 40 stops so perhaps I can put a card at his dashboard to remind him? He said no need. From the footage, I saw that reaching Siglap, he even said goodbye to Calder: "Go down. Calling the Mom ah? Bye Bye. Ok? Bye!" Calder informed me (via WhatsApp) that he arrived at 1.04pm

Day 2 (22 Oct) 11.48am

A different bus driver who looked approachable too. I showed him Calder's yellow "Please alert me when I'm approaching my stop" and the back that said "Siglap mrt". The bus driver said he might forget so I passed him the blue reminder card. I was wondering if I would have to make another reminder card for tomorrow. Good thing the driver followed the instruction and returned the card to Calder before reaching Siglap station. Calder arrived at 1.09pm.

Day 3 (23 Oct) 11.45am

Different bus number but same friendly bus driver as Day 1. He told me no worries because Calder is very smart. Thus assured, I informed Calder's job coaches that today there wouldn't be a need to wait for Calder at the Siglap mrt bus stop. (Forgot to turn on Calder's visual tracker.) Calder arrived at 1.10pm.

Day 4 (24 Oct) 12.01pm

Calder's Dad was the one putting him on the bus. Unfamiliar driver. Calder arrived at 1.27pm.

Day 5 (27 Oct) 12.06pm

Waited more than 20 min for the bus and there was hardly any seat left on the lower deck. Unfamiliar bus driver but he agreed to remind Calder to alight at Siglap mrt. (I hope Calder stays at the lower deck for this to work.) Calder arrived at 1.29pm.

Day 6 (28 Oct) 11.33pm

Stern and unfamiliar bus driver. He nodded when I asked him to remind Calder to alight at Siglap. Had to take this early bus because the next bus arrives in 30 min! Frequency of this bus seems to have dropped significantly after recent change of bus services - 43M scrapped. Looks like it's no longer an option for Calder to take this bus home - I cannot imagine him waiting at the bus stop by himself for 30 min, in the hot afternoon glare. Calder reported his arrival at 1.01pm. 

Day 7 (29 Oct) 11.32am

Unfamiliar but approachable lady bus driver who said ok when I asked her to remind Calder to alight at Siglap. Strangely she seemed to know what I wanted before I asked. Could SMRT have alerted Bus 43 drivers of our need? (I wrote in to ask for help in case Calder misses his stop and is stranded at Upper East Coast terminal. Also took the opportunity to express my gratitude for the help rendered by Bus 43 drivers  reminding Calder to alight.) Many seats already taken up at the lower deck. I was glad to see Calder following my instruction not to take the back-facing seats (so that the bus driver can see him clearly). He was walking to and back searching for a place and a kind lady signaled to him to sit beside her. I told Calder's coach: no need to wait for Calder at the bus stop. Life 360 showed Calder to have arrived at 12.34pm. He reported to me at 12.59pm. 

Day 8 (30 Oct) 11.34am

Bus arrived just as we reached the bus stop and I scrambled after Calder to talk to the bus driver. It's the same driver as 2 days ago - this time he looked less stern. Once again he nodded when I asked him to remind Calder to alight at Siglap mrt. Managed to take a picture of the bus number before it departed. Familiar driver so I told Calder's coach no need to wait at the bus stop. Calder reported his reported at 12.54pm.

Day 9 (31 Oct) 11.27am

Same bus and same bus driver as yesterday. Once again, no need for coach to wait for him at the bus stop. Life 360 said Calder arrived at 12.38pm. He reported arrival at 1.09pm.

Calder is still getting lost coming home by train, but at least he's now reaching his workplace on time. Thank you, Bus 43 drivers!

Baptism

Last year, 17-year-old Ethel told me: "Mommy, I think God wants me to be baptized". So we signed her up for baptism class. She was baptized on 5 Nov 2025. 

In my church (Yio Chu Kang Gospel Hall), Holy Communion is taken every Sunday and it's for those who have publicly identified with Christ through baptism. Holy Communion is a practice started by Jesus to remind his disciples that he died to save them:

Luke 22:19-20 NIV

And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you.

So my children grew up in this church watching Daddy and Mommy take the Holy Communion every Sunday. I explained to Calder that Mei Mei would now take Holy Communion as well, because she had been baptized. Calder not yet, because Calder had not been baptized. (He didn't look very happy about that.)

A fellow autism parent was among those who underwent baptism with Ethel and she asked me: Can our autistic sons be baptised too? That's a tricky question, because I didn't think our church had ever conducted baptism for the intellectually disabled. Would they be able to understand the baptism class? Calder, for one, can only communicate about what he sees, e.g. what he eats, what bus he takes. Would he understand the significance of baptism, which symbolizes dying to our old self and rising anew with Jesus? Would he be able to give genuine consent during the vows? 

Calder had been attending an autism program (Shalom Friends) at another church (St Andrew's Cathedral), so I asked the teacher-in-charge if they conduct baptism for the autistic. They do! It's an Anglican church that does baptism for infants and they are in fact planning to conduct baptism for Shalom Friends. There's no problem baptising Calder. Invitation was sent out to members of Shalom Friends and baptism class started, taught visually. Caregivers were given the baptism class materials to go through with candidates. There were also rehearsals in which parents said the baptism vows together with their children.

Last Saturday (18 Oct 2025), Calder was baptized, together with two other autistic youths, in St Andrew's Cathedral. 

I had told Calder he was to go up the stage when his name was called. I hadn't expected his name to be mentioned twice before that and so had to stop him from going up too soon. Calder was very happy to see relatives at the service. And especially excited seeing his sister. He started turning around to search for Daddy. 

It was an orderly service with script flashed on the screen for candidates and their families, and the congregation to respond aloud. Worship was immersive, featuring many contemporary songs that Calder was familiar with (which enlivened him). The band was very professional (I never knew the drum could make such a difference). Thus absorbed, I realised that worship is sheer enjoyment because it's about basking in God's presence, appreciating his goodness and love. And responding in kind: Lord, I love you too. The sermon spoke from Zephaniah 3: 9-20 about God's rejoicing over his people. We were expecting one candidate to become restless but the baptism ceremony went very smoothly, including photo-taking. I was especially moved by how Reverend Daniel gazed at our children as he prayed blessings upon them. At the end of the service, Shalom Friends hosted a pizza party for members and their families. 

The teacher-in-charge had assured me someone would take photos and videos; caregivers could simply enjoy the special moment. That was a very thoughtful arrangement and sure enough, the pictures and videos were sent to us in Google drive late that night.

And so Calder was baptized at 20 years old. It was a meaningful rite of passage. As I look over the 20 years, I marvel at God's faithful provision and protection.

Like the benediction said, may Calder experience the presence and love of God every day. And may he find joy in God's presence forever. 

*Video of Calder's Baptism* 

Travelling Hiccups 7

Travelling Hiccups 7

Calder and I ate lunch together and then I walked him to Hougang mrt. I told him he could board at Cabin 18 (nearer to escalator) and was glad to see him following the instruction. Having seen him safely in, I did some grocery shopping. Checked his location: Dhoby Ghaut. Good. I reached home and checked his location again: Outram Park. It's been a while and he's only at Outram? I checked his visual tracker. He's at Outram Park mrt alright, but at the green platform, not the brown one. I sent pictures via WhatsApp reminding him he should take a certain escalator from purple to brown line and the door he would see if he's at Cabin 12 of the right platform. Unfortunately, the next time I checked his location, he's clearly travelling on the green line. Sigh. I texted him to get out and cross the platform to make his way back to Outram Park. He's still travelling in the same direction. I decided to go to Outram Park to find him in case he didn't know how to get from green line to brown line. By the time I reached Outram Park's green line, Calder was at Boon Lay. I saw on the visual tracker that he had alighted. But he didn't turn back. He lingered. Was he unsure which side to take? Should I ask SMRT to have a staff put him on the right train? But I had sought such help before and both times Calder got on the train before they could find him. I didn't want to trouble them again (otherwise it might  become something like Cry Wolf where they start to take lightly autistic disappearance) so I decided to make my way to Boon Lay. He was at Boon Lay for 50 min (according to the footage that I reviewed later at night). Unfortunately, he hopped on the return train before I could reach him and I found myself one station behind him. I sent another text asking him to wait for me at Cabin 12 of the green line of Outram Park. Location showed him to be at Tiong Bahru so I quickly alighted at Tiong Bahru station but it was a mistake. Now I'm 2 stations behind him. I checked the visual tracker and saw that he was walking around the station. The visual tracker tends to be blurry when he's in movement so I couldn't tell if he was at the green line. Finally, I reached Outram Park. But I didn't see him at the green line. Afraid that he would hop on another wrong train, I went in search at the other lines. Not at the brown line. Not at the purple line. Did he exit the station? Check location: still at Outram Park. Check visual tracker: oh, green strip - he's at the green line. Found him at 2.51pm. He was apparently looking for Mommy. But he didn't want to answer any of my questions. Not when I asked whether he wanted to go home or go to work. Or whether he wanted Mommy to take brown line with him. I had told the job coach I would send Calder to the brown line. Would he do funny things again, like taking a train in the opposite direction when he arrived at Siglap (it happened once)? Would I have to return to find him again? Shouldn't we just go home? After all, by the time he reached St Andrew's Autism Centre, he would be left with the most one and half hours of work. But then, I remember a parent telling me how thankful she was that she could get 2+ hours of respite when her son went to work. And if I want Calder to travel independently, I cannot behave like I don't trust him anymore, right? So I reminded Calder to  use the escalator (not the lift which could distract him) when he arrived at Siglap mrt, and sent him into the brown line of Outram Park mrt. And made my way home to enjoy what respite I could get. Fortunately he reached his workplace smoothly from there. 

At night, when I reviewed his footage, I saw that at Outram Park station, Calder went correctly from purple to the brown line. But then there was loud sound of a child crying, and he followed the sound to the green line! If this is a case of Pipe Piper effect, I don't know what I can do to prevent it from happening again. And I still don't know why he lingered so long at Boon Lay.

In the evening, instead of alighting at Hougang, Calder went all the way to Punggol Coast again. But remembering what my friend said about Punggol Coast being a nice place, I decided to trust Calder to make his way back from there when he's ready. I kept myself busy (watching Bible Study Fellowship lecture video) instead of constantly tracking him. Fortunately he didn't linger at Punggol Coast this time. My daughter returned home slightly earlier than him and told me it was terribly crowded at the MRT. So maybe he couldn't alight at Hougang the first time. 

No stars for him today, but I thanked him for returning home safely.

The next day (today), I decided to train Calder to go to work by bus. Less distractions like lifts and train watching. There's a straight bus but it's more than 40 stops from home. Would the bus driver be able to remind Calder to alight? (It means Calder cannot sit at the upper deck.) Should I print a card showing a picture of Calder, his name, my number and his destination, to give to the bus driver? How do we get this card back so I don't have to print again for the next trip? What happens if Calder misses his stop? I began searching for apps that can sound alarm when nearing a location. When I dropped Calder off at Siglap mrt bus stop, I took another bus of the same number all the way to the end of the line (Upper East Coast terminal) to see where Calder would end up if he didn't alight. There's noisy roadwork right beside this terminal. Would that make Calder walk out to the main road? If Calder really winds up at this terminal, would I be able to ask the terminal staff to help me put him on a return bus, and to ask the bus driver to remind Calder to alight at Siglap mrt? Might this be abusing the service of public servants, more babysitting than emergency help? 

And would there be an end to this Travelling Hiccups series?

Travelling Hiccups 6

After having to rescue Calder over two consecutive days, I was getting discouraged. The next day, I decided to send Calder to the brown line before heading for work. This means taking the train with him from Hougang to Outram Park, before going the opposite direction to Punggol Coast to teach. I directed him to board at certain cabins so he would not be distracted by lifts. At Hougang, that's Cabin 17. (Although when we alighted, I saw that Cabin 18 might be nearer the escalator.) At Outram, it's Cabin 12. The train had already arrived when we reached the brown line of Outram. Ahead of me, Calder had quickened his steps too. I signalled for him to wait - I had decided that it's better to board at the "right" cabin than to catch the immediate train. So we waited for the next train. Meanwhile, I took pictures of the train door to help Calder differentiate between brown and green line. I highlighted to him that if he could find "Siglap" among the listed destinations at the top, then he's at the right platform. When the train arrived, I sent Calder into Cabin 12 and bid him farewell. Calder reached St Andrew's Autism Centre before his work started at 1.30pm. When he sent me his selfie, I decided to add a star to my response. Perhaps the stars can form a reward system to motivate him. When I reviewed the footage, I was gratified to see that Calder followed my instruction - taking escalator to Exit 2 instead of using the lift. 

That evening, Calder returned home smoothly too. I used Life 360's report to congratulate Calder with another star. I told Calder that he would get a star when he arrives at St Andrew's before 1.30pm and a star when he makes it home before 6.30pm. When he has collected 6 stars, Mommy would buy him ijooz. 

The next day, he reached his workplace early and earned another star. Perhaps the stars make a difference. I was about to pat myself on the back, but that evening, Calder didn't come home on time. 

Instead of alighting at Hougang, he went all the way to Punggol Coast and stayed there for 40 min. His visual tracker was pointing downwards and I surmised that he was just sitting on a metal bench (instead of pressing lift buttons which I would have presumed). What was Calder doing at Punggol Coast, I wanted to ask him. But I decided not to sound accusatory, so I sent him a text to come back to eat chicken rice. There was a youngster sitting beside him on the next bench. The youngster (probably a SIT student) didn't seem to be in a hurry to board the train either. Could Calder be taking the cue from him? But then I saw that the youngster eventually departed, yet Calder remained sitting on his bench. From Life 360 report (I tagged St Andrew's and home locations so Life 360 would inform me every time Calder leaves or arrives at these locations), I had noticed that Calder left St Andrew's at 5.10pm instead of 5pm. By the time he was nearing Hougang, it was clear that he would not be able to reach home by 6.30pm. Might this be the reason why he gave up the urgency? Might he be lingering at Punggol Coast because he mistakenly thought that he could only take the train from the opposite platform? But the footage showed an open train on the opposite platform when Calder first arrived at Punggol Coast. Perhaps he thought that train was leaving soon, so he didn't attempt to board it? I called SMRT, asking if there's a staff at Punggol Coast who could help put Calder on the train. But then I checked the visual tracker and saw that Calder had gotten on a train. Fortunately, this time he alighted at Hougang. I decided to fetch him at the bus stop in case he misses his stop (it had happened before) and I have to find him at Changi airport. 

Calder reached home at 7.40pm, more than an hour late. The sky had already turned dark. I let him eat his chicken rice and shower and then attend his Royal Kids online program. I was just in time for my own online fellowship. 

St Andrew's Autism Centre was planning to release a video of Calder's independent travelling. I had asked them to release it at 6.30pm instead of 6pm, thinking Calder would have reached home by then. (I was concerned that public members with good intentions may try to chat Calder up, which could make him uncomfortable.)

While waiting for Calder to come home, a friend texted, asking me about his cough. I told her Calder had quite recovered and had in fact gone to work. But he seemed to have proceeded to Punggol Coast instead of alighting at Hougang. Her light-hearted response gave me pause: 

"He must like SIT campus, I heard it’s nice there. You going there now?" 

Could Calder have preferred to hang out at Punggol Coast instead of coming straight home? After all, it's quiet and spacious, a good place to watch trains. I told my friend I was hesitant to go find him in case he starts assuming his parent would always "fetch" him. 

When you have a non-verbal child, there's so much speculations involved identifying causes for any deviation from the norm. I'm glad to have the visual tracker to help me investigate possible reasons behind Calder's choices. I'm also thankful that despite all the hiccups, God has brought him home safely time and again.

Travelling Hiccups 5

Calder was late for work for 2 hours yesterday. WhatsApp live location showed him arriving at Siglap, but then, he took the journey the opposite direction again. Did he not exit from Siglap because it was raining heavily? (His trainer clarified that it wasn't raining). Was there a fierce security staff at Siglap gantry that he's trying to avoid? Where Calder couldn't explain himself, the visual tracker helped. After Calder returned home, I viewed the footage and saw that he was distracted by the lift. After lingering for a while, the opposite train arrived, and he got on! 

Unfortunately the way home was not smooth either. Location showed him stuck at Outram Park mrt and the Dad had to go rescue him. The visual tracker wasn't pointing the right direction (it was pointing upwards at the ceiling) so I couldn't tell what was happening. Hubby told me Calder was found pacing around the station. 

Today, Calder didn't make it to work at all. He alighted at Outram Park mrt but instead of the brown line, he took the green line. I sent him messages to change train and used "play sound" of Family Link to alert him to them. He replied the messages but by the look of things, didn't seem to understand my instructions. He was going up and down the green line instead of moving to the brown line. I figured he'd truly lost and went to find him at Outram Park. By then, it's 4pm. He had been travelling for more than 4 hours. It'd take at least another half an hour to reach St Andrew's and work ends at 5pm. So I decided to bring him directly home. When I watched the footage, I saw that he took the wrong escalator. That's why he ended up on the green line.

What has happened to make Calder so absentminded these 2 days? It's almost like he's moving in a dream. He's coughing a little - is he more sick that he seems? Is this problem something that can be solved with a reward board? 

Looks like I may have to walk him through the procedure again. 

Travelling Hiccups 4

After 8 days of smooth travelling, we assumed Calder has learned how to travel to and from work, so we stopped monitoring his journey. Imagine our surprise when we found he's still at Buangkok mrt two hours after his Dad departed from him there. It was nearing 1.30pm, and we got concerned because he would usually have sent Mommy his selfie by this time. WhatsApp live location (we have started sharing his location this way with his job coaches, in case he arrives late) showed he was at Buangkok when he should be at Siglap. Daddy went to look for him and put him on the train. Thank God he managed to follow the routine of changing train at Outram, and alighting at Siglap. 

In the evening, I watched the footage of his visual tracker to ascertain the cause of this hiccup. Oh, it's because trains at both platforms arrived at the same time. Since Calder was small, I've noticed his reluctance to board a train when the train opposite has not moved off. He would wait for buses to move off too, before walking away. In the footage, the trains kept arriving simultaneously. His video would show him looking at the side he's supposed to board, then turning to see the train arriving or leaving at the opposite platform. He would continue to watch the opposite side until its train had fully left. By this time, his side of the train would also have left, or be blinking the warning that the train door was about to close. I stopped counting at the 13th pair of trains. In this way, Calder got stuck for 2 hours waiting for a train that never arrived alone. Thank God he was able to leave his "post" when prompted by the Dad. But I don't know how to prevent such a hiccup from happening again, short of herding him into the train. (He's already been trained to leave from home. When he was discovered playing at the HDB lifts, I took to sending him to the bus stop. Would I now need to send him to the mrt station?)