Toilet Paper Saga

Some time ago, I taught Calder how to change the toilet roll (so he wouldn't be stranded if it runs out). Unfortunately he became very enthusiastic at this and would change toilet rolls before they run out. He would pull out the remaining paper (which could easily have lasted another 3 days) and tuck the bunch at a corner of the toilet before installing a brand new roll. Exasperated by the wastefulness, I got him to wind the bunch back onto the old toilet roll but that was too messy. Then I figured it's simpler to put the bunch into a toilet paper box for continued use. So whenever I spot a new toilet roll, I would look for the stray bunch, put this bunch in a toilet paper box and replace the new roll with this box.

Recently I noticed that even though the toilet rolls have been changed, there's no sign of old remaining toilet paper. Determined to find out why, I started listening out for multiple toilet flushing. Nope, not happening. However, the truth soon surfaced. 

One day, Calder came home and went straight to the master bedroom toilet. Suspicious because he usually uses the kitchen toilet, I followed him. Lo and behold, the toilet roll was missing. But it's not anywhere in the toilet.

"Where is the toilet paper?" I asked.

He moved to the toilet window and actually showed me how it was shoved out.

I insisted that we go downstairs to retrieve the missing toilet paper (I was determined to show him I meant business). Unfortunately, it was nowhere in sight (maybe it got trapped on top of a tree).

Returning home, my mind was racing how I could prevent him from shoving unfinished toilet rolls out the small toilet windows again.

I told the family that henceforth, toilet paper shall be from a box. 

(I decided to pen this down after a friend asked me how she could pray for me. I had blurted: Please pray that Calder will stop wasting my toilet paper. When autistic child persists in weird behavior, parent turns detective/police/chess-master. )

Stomp

Recently, Calder has been in the habit of tearing things. Last week, I was informed by his sheltered workshop that he tore off plastic from a packet drink on the trainer's desk, and removed a sticker label from a work material. When told not to do these, he melted down,  "stomping and banging tables and things around him".

I imagined the scene from a third person's perspective and realised how frightening that must have seemed.  Autism is no joke when a meltdown is happening, especially since Calder is so tall and strong. 

How do I react when Calder has a meltdown? I approach him gently and try to sooth his agitation: "Ooh, Calder is upset. What happened? Come and sit with Mommy. Do you want to hear me sing? Let's breathe in and out..."  

I could humour him like this because I love him. But Calder's meltdown would look very different to someone who does not know him well enough to love him. If you do not love him, you would not be able to accommodate him with his meltdowns. When you see him in a rising state of agitation, you would want to run away. To you, he is nothing but unnecessary trouble. You would wish him out of your life asap, much less think of ways to help him. 

So I pray that even without words,  Calder will bond with people he meets, especially those tasked to take care of him. I pray that they will see the lovable side of him, to give him benefit of the doubt, and that they will graciously give him room to show he can do better, time and time again. 

Male or Female

While waiting for the bus, I chatted with Calder on WhatsApp again and found out he didn't quite understand the concept of male vs female. After the chat, I got him to search for familiar singers (Peggy Hsu, Norah Jones, Sarah Brightman, Jay Chou) on Google images and checked if he could tell between male and female, man vs woman. He got it right by then. Next step: install a Google widget on his hp. 

(In today's chat, I also guided Calder to use "I see" to end a conversation.)

WhatsApp

Calder has a handphone with which he plays word games and which we use to track his whereabouts. However, he seldom replies messages that we sent him. (He hardly interacts in words, to be exact.) Today, while waiting for the bus, I decided to try chatting with him on WhatsApp...

Journey

Calder writes a page of journal every night. He writes about where he went and what he ate for the day. Recently I saw that he has begun to input the colour of chairs he sat on too. As a result, there isn't space for him to record some of the interesting events that happen nearer the end of the day. Two days ago, I had an idea. I write prayer journals every morning on an Android app called Journey. Why not get Calder to type his journal right into his handphone? So yesterday, I downloaded the Journey app onto his handphone and got him to type his journal. He usually has enough lines to pen 21 entries in his paper journal, so I ask him to type 25 items. I left Calder to the typing. At one point, I saw that he needed to rest his arm. That's when I noticed that he had typed 34 entries! Voila! Now I can see more clearly into Calder's days, all the things that left an impression on him. There's no more need to ask him to erase one line to make space for a more interesting item. I will also know how he spent his time from beginning to end of the day. Level up indeed! 

Gantry

At the MRT gantry today, Calder was too fast to tap his card. The lady before him was stalled because there was something wrong with hers. But Calder didn't notice and tapped his card. The gantry gate opened. The lady was still examining her card. Guess what Calder did? In that narrow space, he managed to circumvent her and crossed the gantry, his bowling trolley in tow. I was at the adjacent gantry and heard the lady exclaimed "Damn rude!" 

What would you do if you're me?

As I was crossing the gantry, I explained to the lady: "Sorry, he has autism - he doesn't understand." She didn't look at me. I stopped Calder from striding off as is his habit, and tried apologizing again. This time, she waved me off (still not looking at me). 

When she had left, I highlighted to Calder not to tap his card so fast in future. 

As I recalled this incident, I wondered if I could have done anything differently. 

Should I have asked Calder to apologize to her?

Is it right to expect Calder to apologize before explaining to him what he did wrongly?

If I have to explain to Calder before getting him to apologize, wouldn't the wait be too embarrassing for the lady? 

What I do know is that whoever does the apologizing, it must come across as sincere. The lady was not wrong to be upset at Calder's behavior. She wouldn't know that Calder has special needs. Even if the special needs is apparent, it is not fair to expect everyone to be able to control their irritation enough to respond graciously on the spot. 

How do caregivers respond in such situations? We speak for our children. But humbly, not indignantly. We must never take the standpoint that it's us against them. The public is not our enemy but our potential best friends. Because we want our children to be accepted and loved, not merely tolerated. 

Covid

Finally it's our turn to contract Covid. Hubby was the first. Seldom ill, he found himself down with flu but tested negative initially. 2 days later, Calder who had started blowing his nose, joined him in the isolation room. But keeping Calder hydrated meant he frequently needed to use the toilet and so he made many trips out of the room. He would also slip out to do his usual housekeeping like putting things back in place. He wanted to fill our water bottles too but was caught a few times. Soon it was clear that he's better in a room by himself because he was coughing all over Daddy. 

This time, Mommy was the primary person to keep an eye on him should he peep or slip out of the room. "Calder, you have a toilet in your room - you shouldn't need to come out anymore." "Calder, sick sick cannot come out - go and hide." Handphone games couldn't engage him for long and so he listened to music or just lie in bed. 

Not surprisingly, I started developing headache and a running nose. Ethel had been joking that if everyone else got Covid, she would have to be the isolated one. But she joined me to test positive 3 days after Calder. Now that the whole family was in the circus, Calder could finally step out of his room. What joy! Now Mommy could engage him in usual activities like piano practice and workouts. He could also hang the laundry and cut vegetables for dinner. 

I had stocked up the fridge when Daddy tested positive and enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing it deplete now that we couldn't leave the house. When we were left with ingredients for maybe two more meals, food arrived. On Friday morning, my sister hung a heavy bag of mee chiang kueh and prawn noodles at my door - settling our breakfast and lunch. Later in the day, a church friend left a big box of home cooked pork belly (braised with eggs, tau gua, tau pok, potatoes - cooked by her Mom-in-law) outside my door, and that settled dinner. In these ways, meals "magically" appeared on a day I was too busy to cook (I had Bible Study Fellowship leaders' online meeting in the morning and SIT Zoom teaching in the afternoon). Twice, the church friend had also sent a grocery bag of fruit, yogurt, Vitamin C etc. Truly God provides! 

During this period, I'm thankful for the rest from not needing to wake the children early for school. Thankful especially that Calder had been cheerful despite the changes in routine. Thankful also for a friend telling me about the option of going to a Covid test center - I brought both kids to the one at Hougang Central and there's no waiting involved at all. 

Now hubby is out and about and I have 3 more days of isolation. The sore throat is still there but I'm going to count my blessings and enjoy the comfort of family within the confines of my cosy home.