Walk of a Lifetime

An interview conducted by St Andrew's Autism Centre for Walk of a Lifetime 2025:

1. When you share about Calder, what will you want others to know about him?

That he is unique and precious.

2. If Calder could stand up to tell others about himself, what would Calder say? How will Calder introduce himself?

He's unlikely to want to introduce himself because he is an introvert. If he's not, it might look like this:

I am Calder. I am 21 years old. I work at St Andrew's Autism Centre. When I'm free, I listen to music or play word games on my handphone. I also like to cycle. I like to eat. But I don't take spicy food. I also play the piano, and read books (aloud) with Mommy.

3. What is living with autism like for Calder?

I think our world is confusing and intrusive to Calder's delicate senses. Calder hardly talks so I would never have known until I interviewed 31 autistic adults for my book "My Way: 31 Stories of Independent Autism". For example, I learned that they may feel very lost if the question asked of them is too open-ended. This is because they don't know what constitutes acceptable answers. So I try to give Calder choices among 2 or the most 3 options. Questions probably come across as very troublesome to him. Calder is aware that when people ask questions, they often have preferred answers. So questions become a test of whether he gives the model answers. If you ask him whether he wants cha siew rice or chicken rice, he may say chicken rice. But if you ask again, he would answer cha siew rice because he thinks you're asking again because he has gotten the answer wrong. As a result, it's tricky getting Calder to repeat his answers in a situation where you have not heard him clearly. I think it's terrible when people ask questions flippantly without following up. For example, asking Calder if he wants to go out and after he said yes, deciding that you don't want to bring him out after all. After a few of such experiences, he would be convinced that it's not about what he wants but what the questioner wants. I think it's always important to explain changes of plans or expectations. In this confusing world, however, there are pockets of comfort created by people who try to understand him, who appreciate him and who might even enjoy his company.

4. What is living with autism like for you and your family? How do you see autism? 

It's stepping into a bizarre world of parenting where normal rules don't apply. For a neurotypical kid, you may reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. The latter doesn't work with Calder because if the punishment leaves an impression (as it ought), he'd seek that impression again. So I pretend the misbehaviour is nothing important. I distract him from it. Calder hardly talks. He doesn't tell us what he wants or needs. It's a great deal of guesswork based on his body language. He can't tell us why he's sad or angry. So though our heart is heavy, we can't solve for him the root of his problem. We can only comfort him the best we can, and pray for God to take over. 

5. How have you come to understand, accept and embrace this journey? 

Calder is not a problem to solve but a gift from God.

6. Write a letter to Calder. What do you want to say to him, particularly as he turns 21 this year. It can be a birthday card.  

Calder, Mommy will always love you.

7. Write a letter to the public. What do you want to say to them on Calder’s behalf? 

(How would you like the public’s understanding, acceptance and support for Calder look like?)

This is my son, whom I love. He may be 1.9m tall but he doesn't know the right way to do many things. He may stand too near to you on the escalator. He may fart in the lift. He may bump into you. Or snatch the priority seat from you. He may even laugh when you cry. He may try to close your opened door. He may reach out to straighten the fold on your sleeve. But he doesn't mean any harm. Certainly I have tried teaching him the ways of our world, but it may not stick because he doesn't understand or maybe he doesn't see the point. He is simple of heart. He likes to learn. He can sense kindness. I continue to hope that he'd adapt so that one day when I have to leave him, he won't be lost and helpless. Meanwhile, please be patient with him. And if you can, help him reach for the higher place.

Travelling by Bus

Travelling by Bus

After Calder got lost in the MRT once again and I had to go look for him last Monday (13 Oct), I decided to train him to take the bus to work. For the next 4 days, I took Bus 43 with him, showing him the landmarks that signal his destination. "Oh, Marine Terrace. This means we are reaching soon. Look, this building is Marine Gardens. On the left is Fernwood Towers. Ah, traffic light - good time to press the bell. Siglap Linear Park, yes! Alight now." 

The following week, I started letting him take the bus by himself. When the bus is approaching, I would take a picture to capture the vehicle number. Then I show the bus driver Calder's yellow card that says "Please alert me when I am approaching my stop" and ask him to remind Calder to alight at Siglap mrt. Then I send the bus picture to Calder's coaches so that someone would stop the bus at destination point if Calder forgets to alight. The coaches are to step in only when necessary and hide otherwise, so that Calder will not see it as part of the routine for his coaches to collect him. This support should fade off after a week. 

Day 1 (21 Oct) 11.43am

Bus driver was very helpful. When I asked him if he could remind Calder to alight at Siglap, he said no problem - he knew there's a special school there. I told him it's more than 40 stops so perhaps I can put a card at his dashboard to remind him? He said no need. From the footage, I saw that reaching Siglap, he even said goodbye to Calder: "Go down. Calling the Mom ah? Bye Bye. Ok? Bye!" Calder informed me (via WhatsApp) that he arrived at 1.04pm

Day 2 (22 Oct) 11.48am

A different bus driver who looked approachable too. I showed him Calder's yellow "Please alert me when I'm approaching my stop" and the back that said "Siglap mrt". The bus driver said he might forget so I passed him the blue reminder card. I was wondering if I would have to make another reminder card for tomorrow. Good thing the driver followed the instruction and returned the card to Calder before reaching Siglap station. Calder arrived at 1.09pm.

Day 3 (23 Oct) 11.45am

Different bus number but same friendly bus driver as Day 1. He told me no worries because Calder is very smart. Thus assured, I informed Calder's job coaches that today there wouldn't be a need to wait for Calder at the Siglap mrt bus stop. (Forgot to turn on Calder's visual tracker.) Calder arrived at 1.10pm.

Day 4 (24 Oct) 12.01pm

Calder's Dad was the one putting him on the bus. Unfamiliar driver. Calder arrived at 1.27pm.

Day 5 (27 Oct) 12.06pm

Waited more than 20 min for the bus and there was hardly any seat left on the lower deck. Unfamiliar bus driver but he agreed to remind Calder to alight at Siglap mrt. (I hope Calder stays at the lower deck for this to work.) Calder arrived at 1.29pm.

Day 6 (28 Oct) 11.33pm

Stern and unfamiliar bus driver. He nodded when I asked him to remind Calder to alight at Siglap. Had to take this early bus because the next bus arrives in 30 min! Frequency of this bus seems to have dropped significantly after recent change of bus services - 43M scrapped. Looks like it's no longer an option for Calder to take this bus home - I cannot imagine him waiting at the bus stop by himself for 30 min, in the hot afternoon glare. Calder reported his arrival at 1.01pm. 

Day 7 (29 Oct) 11.32am

Unfamiliar but approachable lady bus driver who said ok when I asked her to remind Calder to alight at Siglap. Strangely she seemed to know what I wanted before I asked. Could SMRT have alerted Bus 43 drivers of our need? (I wrote in to ask for help in case Calder misses his stop and is stranded at Upper East Coast terminal. Also took the opportunity to express my gratitude for the help rendered by Bus 43 drivers  reminding Calder to alight.) Many seats already taken up at the lower deck. I was glad to see Calder following my instruction not to take the back-facing seats (so that the bus driver can see him clearly). He was walking to and back searching for a place and a kind lady signaled to him to sit beside her. I told Calder's coach: no need to wait for Calder at the bus stop. Life 360 showed Calder to have arrived at 12.34pm. He reported to me at 12.59pm. 

Day 8 (30 Oct) 11.34am

Bus arrived just as we reached the bus stop and I scrambled after Calder to talk to the bus driver. It's the same driver as 2 days ago - this time he looked less stern. Once again he nodded when I asked him to remind Calder to alight at Siglap mrt. Managed to take a picture of the bus number before it departed. Familiar driver so I told Calder's coach no need to wait at the bus stop. Calder reported his reported at 12.54pm.

Day 9 (31 Oct) 11.27am

Same bus and same bus driver as yesterday. Once again, no need for coach to wait for him at the bus stop. Life 360 said Calder arrived at 12.38pm. He reported arrival at 1.09pm.

Calder is still getting lost coming home by train, but at least he's now reaching his workplace on time. Thank you, Bus 43 drivers!

Baptism

Last year, 17-year-old Ethel told me: "Mommy, I think God wants me to be baptized". So we signed her up for baptism class. She was baptized on 5 Nov 2025. 

In my church (Yio Chu Kang Gospel Hall), Holy Communion is taken every Sunday and it's for those who have publicly identified with Christ through baptism. Holy Communion is a practice started by Jesus to remind his disciples that he died to save them:

Luke 22:19-20 NIV

And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you.

So my children grew up in this church watching Daddy and Mommy take the Holy Communion every Sunday. I explained to Calder that Mei Mei would now take Holy Communion as well, because she had been baptized. Calder not yet, because Calder had not been baptized. (He didn't look very happy about that.)

A fellow autism parent was among those who underwent baptism with Ethel and she asked me: Can our autistic sons be baptised too? That's a tricky question, because I didn't think our church had ever conducted baptism for the intellectually disabled. Would they be able to understand the baptism class? Calder, for one, can only communicate about what he sees, e.g. what he eats, what bus he takes. Would he understand the significance of baptism, which symbolizes dying to our old self and rising anew with Jesus? Would he be able to give genuine consent during the vows? 

Calder had been attending an autism program (Shalom Friends) at another church (St Andrew's Cathedral), so I asked the teacher-in-charge if they conduct baptism for the autistic. They do! It's an Anglican church that does baptism for infants and they are in fact planning to conduct baptism for Shalom Friends. There's no problem baptising Calder. Invitation was sent out to members of Shalom Friends and baptism class started, taught visually. Caregivers were given the baptism class materials to go through with candidates. There were also rehearsals in which parents said the baptism vows together with their children.

Last Saturday (18 Oct 2025), Calder was baptized, together with two other autistic youths, in St Andrew's Cathedral. 

I had told Calder he was to go up the stage when his name was called. I hadn't expected his name to be mentioned twice before that and so had to stop him from going up too soon. Calder was very happy to see relatives at the service. And especially excited seeing his sister. He started turning around to search for Daddy. 

It was an orderly service with script flashed on the screen for candidates and their families, and the congregation to respond aloud. Worship was immersive, featuring many contemporary songs that Calder was familiar with (which enlivened him). The band was very professional (I never knew the drum could make such a difference). Thus absorbed, I realised that worship is sheer enjoyment because it's about basking in God's presence, appreciating his goodness and love. And responding in kind: Lord, I love you too. The sermon spoke from Zephaniah 3: 9-20 about God's rejoicing over his people. We were expecting one candidate to become restless but the baptism ceremony went very smoothly, including photo-taking. I was especially moved by how Reverend Daniel gazed at our children as he prayed blessings upon them. At the end of the service, Shalom Friends hosted a pizza party for members and their families. 

The teacher-in-charge had assured me someone would take photos and videos; caregivers could simply enjoy the special moment. That was a very thoughtful arrangement and sure enough, the pictures and videos were sent to us in Google drive late that night.

And so Calder was baptized at 20 years old. It was a meaningful rite of passage. As I look over the 20 years, I marvel at God's faithful provision and protection.

Like the benediction said, may Calder experience the presence and love of God every day. And may he find joy in God's presence forever. 

*Video of Calder's Baptism* 

Travelling Hiccups 7

Travelling Hiccups 7

Calder and I ate lunch together and then I walked him to Hougang mrt. I told him he could board at Cabin 18 (nearer to escalator) and was glad to see him following the instruction. Having seen him safely in, I did some grocery shopping. Checked his location: Dhoby Ghaut. Good. I reached home and checked his location again: Outram Park. It's been a while and he's only at Outram? I checked his visual tracker. He's at Outram Park mrt alright, but at the green platform, not the brown one. I sent pictures via WhatsApp reminding him he should take a certain escalator from purple to brown line and the door he would see if he's at Cabin 12 of the right platform. Unfortunately, the next time I checked his location, he's clearly travelling on the green line. Sigh. I texted him to get out and cross the platform to make his way back to Outram Park. He's still travelling in the same direction. I decided to go to Outram Park to find him in case he didn't know how to get from green line to brown line. By the time I reached Outram Park's green line, Calder was at Boon Lay. I saw on the visual tracker that he had alighted. But he didn't turn back. He lingered. Was he unsure which side to take? Should I ask SMRT to have a staff put him on the right train? But I had sought such help before and both times Calder got on the train before they could find him. I didn't want to trouble them again (otherwise it might  become something like Cry Wolf where they start to take lightly autistic disappearance) so I decided to make my way to Boon Lay. He was at Boon Lay for 50 min (according to the footage that I reviewed later at night). Unfortunately, he hopped on the return train before I could reach him and I found myself one station behind him. I sent another text asking him to wait for me at Cabin 12 of the green line of Outram Park. Location showed him to be at Tiong Bahru so I quickly alighted at Tiong Bahru station but it was a mistake. Now I'm 2 stations behind him. I checked the visual tracker and saw that he was walking around the station. The visual tracker tends to be blurry when he's in movement so I couldn't tell if he was at the green line. Finally, I reached Outram Park. But I didn't see him at the green line. Afraid that he would hop on another wrong train, I went in search at the other lines. Not at the brown line. Not at the purple line. Did he exit the station? Check location: still at Outram Park. Check visual tracker: oh, green strip - he's at the green line. Found him at 2.51pm. He was apparently looking for Mommy. But he didn't want to answer any of my questions. Not when I asked whether he wanted to go home or go to work. Or whether he wanted Mommy to take brown line with him. I had told the job coach I would send Calder to the brown line. Would he do funny things again, like taking a train in the opposite direction when he arrived at Siglap (it happened once)? Would I have to return to find him again? Shouldn't we just go home? After all, by the time he reached St Andrew's Autism Centre, he would be left with the most one and half hours of work. But then, I remember a parent telling me how thankful she was that she could get 2+ hours of respite when her son went to work. And if I want Calder to travel independently, I cannot behave like I don't trust him anymore, right? So I reminded Calder to  use the escalator (not the lift which could distract him) when he arrived at Siglap mrt, and sent him into the brown line of Outram Park mrt. And made my way home to enjoy what respite I could get. Fortunately he reached his workplace smoothly from there. 

At night, when I reviewed his footage, I saw that at Outram Park station, Calder went correctly from purple to the brown line. But then there was loud sound of a child crying, and he followed the sound to the green line! If this is a case of Pipe Piper effect, I don't know what I can do to prevent it from happening again. And I still don't know why he lingered so long at Boon Lay.

In the evening, instead of alighting at Hougang, Calder went all the way to Punggol Coast again. But remembering what my friend said about Punggol Coast being a nice place, I decided to trust Calder to make his way back from there when he's ready. I kept myself busy (watching Bible Study Fellowship lecture video) instead of constantly tracking him. Fortunately he didn't linger at Punggol Coast this time. My daughter returned home slightly earlier than him and told me it was terribly crowded at the MRT. So maybe he couldn't alight at Hougang the first time. 

No stars for him today, but I thanked him for returning home safely.

The next day (today), I decided to train Calder to go to work by bus. Less distractions like lifts and train watching. There's a straight bus but it's more than 40 stops from home. Would the bus driver be able to remind Calder to alight? (It means Calder cannot sit at the upper deck.) Should I print a card showing a picture of Calder, his name, my number and his destination, to give to the bus driver? How do we get this card back so I don't have to print again for the next trip? What happens if Calder misses his stop? I began searching for apps that can sound alarm when nearing a location. When I dropped Calder off at Siglap mrt bus stop, I took another bus of the same number all the way to the end of the line (Upper East Coast terminal) to see where Calder would end up if he didn't alight. There's noisy roadwork right beside this terminal. Would that make Calder walk out to the main road? If Calder really winds up at this terminal, would I be able to ask the terminal staff to help me put him on a return bus, and to ask the bus driver to remind Calder to alight at Siglap mrt? Might this be abusing the service of public servants, more babysitting than emergency help? 

And would there be an end to this Travelling Hiccups series?

Travelling Hiccups 6

After having to rescue Calder over two consecutive days, I was getting discouraged. The next day, I decided to send Calder to the brown line before heading for work. This means taking the train with him from Hougang to Outram Park, before going the opposite direction to Punggol Coast to teach. I directed him to board at certain cabins so he would not be distracted by lifts. At Hougang, that's Cabin 17. (Although when we alighted, I saw that Cabin 18 might be nearer the escalator.) At Outram, it's Cabin 12. The train had already arrived when we reached the brown line of Outram. Ahead of me, Calder had quickened his steps too. I signalled for him to wait - I had decided that it's better to board at the "right" cabin than to catch the immediate train. So we waited for the next train. Meanwhile, I took pictures of the train door to help Calder differentiate between brown and green line. I highlighted to him that if he could find "Siglap" among the listed destinations at the top, then he's at the right platform. When the train arrived, I sent Calder into Cabin 12 and bid him farewell. Calder reached St Andrew's Autism Centre before his work started at 1.30pm. When he sent me his selfie, I decided to add a star to my response. Perhaps the stars can form a reward system to motivate him. When I reviewed the footage, I was gratified to see that Calder followed my instruction - taking escalator to Exit 2 instead of using the lift. 

That evening, Calder returned home smoothly too. I used Life 360's report to congratulate Calder with another star. I told Calder that he would get a star when he arrives at St Andrew's before 1.30pm and a star when he makes it home before 6.30pm. When he has collected 6 stars, Mommy would buy him ijooz. 

The next day, he reached his workplace early and earned another star. Perhaps the stars make a difference. I was about to pat myself on the back, but that evening, Calder didn't come home on time. 

Instead of alighting at Hougang, he went all the way to Punggol Coast and stayed there for 40 min. His visual tracker was pointing downwards and I surmised that he was just sitting on a metal bench (instead of pressing lift buttons which I would have presumed). What was Calder doing at Punggol Coast, I wanted to ask him. But I decided not to sound accusatory, so I sent him a text to come back to eat chicken rice. There was a youngster sitting beside him on the next bench. The youngster (probably a SIT student) didn't seem to be in a hurry to board the train either. Could Calder be taking the cue from him? But then I saw that the youngster eventually departed, yet Calder remained sitting on his bench. From Life 360 report (I tagged St Andrew's and home locations so Life 360 would inform me every time Calder leaves or arrives at these locations), I had noticed that Calder left St Andrew's at 5.10pm instead of 5pm. By the time he was nearing Hougang, it was clear that he would not be able to reach home by 6.30pm. Might this be the reason why he gave up the urgency? Might he be lingering at Punggol Coast because he mistakenly thought that he could only take the train from the opposite platform? But the footage showed an open train on the opposite platform when Calder first arrived at Punggol Coast. Perhaps he thought that train was leaving soon, so he didn't attempt to board it? I called SMRT, asking if there's a staff at Punggol Coast who could help put Calder on the train. But then I checked the visual tracker and saw that Calder had gotten on a train. Fortunately, this time he alighted at Hougang. I decided to fetch him at the bus stop in case he misses his stop (it had happened before) and I have to find him at Changi airport. 

Calder reached home at 7.40pm, more than an hour late. The sky had already turned dark. I let him eat his chicken rice and shower and then attend his Royal Kids online program. I was just in time for my own online fellowship. 

St Andrew's Autism Centre was planning to release a video of Calder's independent travelling. I had asked them to release it at 6.30pm instead of 6pm, thinking Calder would have reached home by then. (I was concerned that public members with good intentions may try to chat Calder up, which could make him uncomfortable.)

While waiting for Calder to come home, a friend texted, asking me about his cough. I told her Calder had quite recovered and had in fact gone to work. But he seemed to have proceeded to Punggol Coast instead of alighting at Hougang. Her light-hearted response gave me pause: 

"He must like SIT campus, I heard it’s nice there. You going there now?" 

Could Calder have preferred to hang out at Punggol Coast instead of coming straight home? After all, it's quiet and spacious, a good place to watch trains. I told my friend I was hesitant to go find him in case he starts assuming his parent would always "fetch" him. 

When you have a non-verbal child, there's so much speculations involved identifying causes for any deviation from the norm. I'm glad to have the visual tracker to help me investigate possible reasons behind Calder's choices. I'm also thankful that despite all the hiccups, God has brought him home safely time and again.

Travelling Hiccups 5

Calder was late for work for 2 hours yesterday. WhatsApp live location showed him arriving at Siglap, but then, he took the journey the opposite direction again. Did he not exit from Siglap because it was raining heavily? (His trainer clarified that it wasn't raining). Was there a fierce security staff at Siglap gantry that he's trying to avoid? Where Calder couldn't explain himself, the visual tracker helped. After Calder returned home, I viewed the footage and saw that he was distracted by the lift. After lingering for a while, the opposite train arrived, and he got on! 

Unfortunately the way home was not smooth either. Location showed him stuck at Outram Park mrt and the Dad had to go rescue him. The visual tracker wasn't pointing the right direction (it was pointing upwards at the ceiling) so I couldn't tell what was happening. Hubby told me Calder was found pacing around the station. 

Today, Calder didn't make it to work at all. He alighted at Outram Park mrt but instead of the brown line, he took the green line. I sent him messages to change train and used "play sound" of Family Link to alert him to them. He replied the messages but by the look of things, didn't seem to understand my instructions. He was going up and down the green line instead of moving to the brown line. I figured he'd truly lost and went to find him at Outram Park. By then, it's 4pm. He had been travelling for more than 4 hours. It'd take at least another half an hour to reach St Andrew's and work ends at 5pm. So I decided to bring him directly home. When I watched the footage, I saw that he took the wrong escalator. That's why he ended up on the green line.

What has happened to make Calder so absentminded these 2 days? It's almost like he's moving in a dream. He's coughing a little - is he more sick that he seems? Is this problem something that can be solved with a reward board? 

Looks like I may have to walk him through the procedure again. 

Travelling Hiccups 4

After 8 days of smooth travelling, we assumed Calder has learned how to travel to and from work, so we stopped monitoring his journey. Imagine our surprise when we found he's still at Buangkok mrt two hours after his Dad departed from him there. It was nearing 1.30pm, and we got concerned because he would usually have sent Mommy his selfie by this time. WhatsApp live location (we have started sharing his location this way with his job coaches, in case he arrives late) showed he was at Buangkok when he should be at Siglap. Daddy went to look for him and put him on the train. Thank God he managed to follow the routine of changing train at Outram, and alighting at Siglap. 

In the evening, I watched the footage of his visual tracker to ascertain the cause of this hiccup. Oh, it's because trains at both platforms arrived at the same time. Since Calder was small, I've noticed his reluctance to board a train when the train opposite has not moved off. He would wait for buses to move off too, before walking away. In the footage, the trains kept arriving simultaneously. His video would show him looking at the side he's supposed to board, then turning to see the train arriving or leaving at the opposite platform. He would continue to watch the opposite side until its train had fully left. By this time, his side of the train would also have left, or be blinking the warning that the train door was about to close. I stopped counting at the 13th pair of trains. In this way, Calder got stuck for 2 hours waiting for a train that never arrived alone. Thank God he was able to leave his "post" when prompted by the Dad. But I don't know how to prevent such a hiccup from happening again, short of herding him into the train. (He's already been trained to leave from home. When he was discovered playing at the HDB lifts, I took to sending him to the bus stop. Would I now need to send him to the mrt station?)

Travelling Preparation

Instead of releasing Calder from the doorstep, I've taken to sending him to the bus stop. Well, not exactly. I let him climb the overhead bridge himself and watch him from the opposite bus stop. This is to discourage him from going to the lifts instead of waiting patiently at the bus stop. (We saw from his visual tracker that he'd missed a few buses before while he was "visiting" the lifts.) In case he gets lost (and I need to use his picture to ask people if they've seen him), I take a quick picture of him in his current dressing. 

When I did that 2 days ago. I didn't realize that he was without his bus card again (2nd time this happens since he started travelling to work independently). So I was surprised to see him giving up the bus that had stopped in front of him, and crossing the bridge over to my side. Ah, then I noticed what's missing, and followed him home to retrieve his bus card. I must have interrupted his preparation routine somehow to have distracted him from putting on his lanyard. On my side, it's so easy to forget things these days. (Today I forgot to share his WhatsApp location with his job coach.) So I decided to use a checklist, which includes steps like checking for train disruption on 

https://www.sgtrains.com/guide-status .

On Monday night, I noticed that instead of coming straight home, he allowed the train to bring him to Punggol Coast and back to Hougang. So I took the hard copy MRT map that I got from the control station, and used an erasable pen to trace his correct journey. Told him he's not supposed to go one round. When he was typing his journal, I also got him to insert the sentence "I must alight after Kovan station". 

The other thing that might have helped was the reassurance that he can remove his watch after sending me his selfie upon reaching St Andrew's. I'm assuming the watch reminds him that he should be heading for St Andrew's Autism Centre.

In this way, he has been travelling smoothly to and from work, for the past 3 days. Thank Lord!

Travelling Hiccups 3

This is Week 4 since Calder started travelling independently to and from work (Hougang to Siglap). 

On Monday, he arrived at work late for 10 min. Before that, we had lunch at Hougang Mall foodcourt and then took the lift. He got off at Level 1 while I proceeded to the basement for grocery shopping at the supermarket. It was 11.50am. Setting off at this time should give him more than ample time to arrive by 1.30pm. But he lingered at Hougang mrt. Later I saw a missed call from a church friend who told me she saw him at Hougang mrt. She had asked him if he was lost. He didn't answer her but went into the train. When we checked his visual tracker video clip, we saw that he spent 40 mins watching the trains of the opposite platform, until my church friend talked to him. Thank God for sending her. His aversion to conversation was probably more powerful than his fascination with trains. If not for the interruption, I don't know how long he would have lingered at the train station. 

This brought to mind a Facebook friend's suggestion to set up a platform allowing the public to track autistic kids, so they can render help if one is near them. I must admit there have been many times I wish I could WhatsApp SMRT to activate a staff to look for Calder at a certain station to guide him to the right platform, or to alert a bus driver that Calder is lost on his or her bus. But I have misgivings about letting the public know his whereabouts. For one, there are predators out there who might take advantage of his simplicity. There might also be well meaning people who try to talk to him, who ask him questions which would make him uncomfortable or even trigger him. A fellow parent questioned whether it's wise to let our kids wear lanyards that identify them as having special needs. Would they be targeted? I told him the chance of bullying taking place on public transport probably isn't high. If you ask me, I think the proportion of Singaporeans being bo-chap is the highest, followed by the kind ones and then the mean ones. So if Calder is apparently lost or apparently has lost control, I'm hoping whoever sees my message behind his bus card would help him by contacting me. The message ("I have autism. Please text my Mom at... if I'm lost. ") would hopefully also shield him from retaliation should he unwittingly cause offence. Because there are good people and bad people out there, I'm not sure it's entirely a bad thing that not more people recognize the hidden disability sunflower lanyard that he wears. But it's definitely necessary for transport crew to know.

Yesterday (Thursday), Calder arrived at work two hours late. According to Find Hub, instead of alighting at Outram Park, he went to HarbourFront and was there for quite a while (the video clip confirmed it to be more than 30 min). When I WhatsApp video-called him, I saw that he was still at the purple line and there was a train ready for boarding right behind him. I told him to get on the train but he just stared at me. I had to teach at SIT in the afternoon but tried to track him intermittently before the start of lesson. When I video-called him again, I saw that he was on a train. But he didn't alight at Outram Park to change to brown line. Find Hub showed he was at Boon Keng. Was he heading home? I sent him a text telling him that no one was home; he had to go to work. He went all the way to Punggol Coast and back again to Outram Park, and finally reached Siglap. He arrived at work at 3.30pm. Did he think that having gotten one step wrong, he had to do it all over again? But if so, shouldn't he have alighted at Hougang which is the first mrt stop in his journey? Was it inertia that made him sit on until the train crew made them get out (so I saw on the video clip) at HarbourFront? And inertia that made him sit all the way to the other end of the purple line? He lingered at Hougang mrt on Monday. Now he lingered in HarbourFront. In a way, it's a good thing he looked more stunned than cheerful when I video-called him. If he thinks it's play time, I wouldn't know how to get him to go to work directly every weekday. This possibility troubled me a little - what if he thinks it's better to hang out at mrt stations than go to work? God, will you guide the situation? Then I thought - perhaps it's because he had no concept of time. Perhaps I should let him wear a watch and impress upon him that he must reach his workplace by 1.30pm. I tried letting him wear the Healthy 365 watch before. But he took it off and returned it to its charging place a short while later. Perhaps he thinks it belongs there. If so, I wouldn't have to worry about him discarding it - he would want to bring it home to its "rightful" place. 

This morning, I put on his watch for him and instructed him to check the time, then take a selfie to send to me, along with the message: "I am at home. It is 8.20." I told him that when he reached his workplace, he should likewise send me his time of arrival together with his selfie. Knowing he doesn't like to wear watches, I assured him he can keep the watch (in the front pocket of his haversack - I have to be exact) after reporting his time of arrival.

So Calder went to work wearing a watch. I was hoping the watch would remind him he's supposed to go to work, and that the earlier he arrives, the earlier he can take it off. His job coach had agreed to help me remind him to send me his time of arrival. Thank God, he travelled there smoothly. He sent me his selfie but not the time. According to the job coach, he wasn't wearing any watch. I asked her to check the front pocket of his haversack. Sure enough, it was there. She helped him put it on, note the time, report the time and send it together with his selfie. And then keep it.

We also took the precaution of going through the steps of his journey both to and from work.

He returned home smoothly today. Phew!

And returned the watch to its charging pad.

Travelling Hiccups 2

Calder got lost again while travelling on his own. It happened last Tuesday. I saw on Find Hub that he was travelling towards Outram Park so didn't track him closely thereafter. But then I saw that he was in Bishan. I looked at his visual tracker and saw that he was walking around the station. He seemed to be taking the circle line when he should be on the brown line. I video-called him and asked him to take the purple line. No words from him as usual. Near 1.30pm which is when his work shift starts, he was back at Bishan. His Dad sent him a WhatsApp to come home, then "play sound" on Find Hub to alert him to the message. I informed his job coach that he's unlikely to go to work that day. But I had a class of 22 to teach at SIT that afternoon. By the time I set up my laptop in the classroom, I saw that I could not access data to track Calder anymore. Calder's visual tracker had also run out of battery. I sent a text to Calder's Dad and told him: Over to you. And tried to concentrate on teaching. Knowing I could only do treasure hunting after my lesson had ended, I prayed: Lord, please take care of Calder. When the lesson ended and I was able to check my handphone again, I saw the update that Calder had returned home. Piecing his journey together through Find Hub and the visual tracker, we surmised that he missed the Outram stop and alighted at HarbourFront. Perhaps thinking the brown line was just a walk away like in Outram, he walked to the other side and got on the train. But the train never brought him to Siglap. He was on the Circle line to and back until he somehow made his way home in Hougang. He had travelled for 3 hours. 

That evening, I downloaded a soft copy of the mrt map to show Calder the journey he should have taken. 

Me: (Pointing to Outram on the map) Calder, which lines does Outram have? 

Calder: Green line. Purple line. Brown line. 

Me: (Pointing to HarbourFront) Which lines does HarbourFront have? 

Calder: Yellow line. Purple line.

Me: What line goes to Siglap?

Calder: Brown line

Me: Can you take the brown line at HarbourFront?

Calder: No!

Wondering if there is an mrt map worksheet where Calder can fill in station names. That should be useful and interesting for not just Calder.

Travelling Hiccups

Today is Friday. It's 7.48pm and I'm now on Bus 27 with Calder. It'll take us one hour to get home from Changi Airport. What better time to blog about travelling hiccups. Two weeks ago, Calder started travelling independently to work and back home. It's a journey of more than one hour by bus and train. We used Find Hub to track him, and also a visual tracker. Find Hub is not always accurate, especially when Calder is underground. The visual tracker helps us see his environment real-time, but it keeps presenting connection issues. Unfortunately, today is one of those days we couldn't connect to Calder's visual tracker. He was supposed to reach home around 6.30pm to jog with Daddy before dinner. At 6.45pm, Find Hub showed that he was at Sengkang. I used the "Play Sound" option to alert Calder of incoming call and WhatsApp video-called him. He didn't talk, but I surmised from the screen that he was on a bus. If he was on a bus at Sengkang, it meant he had missed his Hougang bus stop and was on the way to Changi Airport. Maybe the bus was crowded on a Friday evening and shy to say Excuse Me, he didn't see a way out. It didn't help that Calder had recently taken to sitting all the way at the back of the bus. (But when we watched the video clip later, we saw that the bus was not crowded. So he might not have alighted because nobody else wanted to alight at the same stop. In other words, nobody pressed the bell and the bus didn't stop at our place. All this while, had he been relying on other commuters to make the bus stop for him?)

The big question: How to get him home? I packed his dinner (that I cooked) and took a cab to Changi Airport Terminal 3. Fortunately my cab was faster than his bus. While waiting for Calder, I finally had the peace of mind to pray - God, I really hope I don't have to go around looking for him. Help me please. Fortunately it is easy to see into a bus in the evening because the lights are on. I saw clearly that Calder was not on the first bus. Thank God, he was on the second bus that arrived. I went up the bus, informed the bus driver that I was looking for my son, and shouted across to Calder (as expected, he was sitting right at the back) to alight. He sure looked glad to see me. 7.34pm. He had been travelling for more than 2 hours. So I asked him to go to the toilet, then gave him his dinner. Now we're on Bus 27 heading home. (We reached home at 8.50pm - dinner had never tasted so good.)

This was the second hiccup actually. On Monday (four days ago), Calder's younger sister came home exclaiming that the train was super crowded. No wonder Calder reached home only at 8.12pm (nearly 2 hours late). Tracking him on Find Hub and watching the clip from his visual tracker, we pieced together his journey. He missed his Hougang mrt stop thrice. The first time, there were many commuters alighting at Hougang but he hesitated - maybe because he was afraid the train door would close on him. (Apparently he hadn't moved near the door at Serangoon station as trained.) So he went up and down the purple line (perhaps he was lulled by inertia not knowing when to take action), crossing the platform at Punggol then at HarbourFront until (I assume) nobody was blocking the door when the train reached Hougang. By then he had been on the train for three hours. His Dad went to find him at Hougang mrt, worried that the gantry may not open its door for him because he had been in there for more than 2 hours. Thereafter, his job coach tried to release him earlier to avoid the 6pm crowd. And he had no problem, until today. 

How do we prevent such hiccups again? Teach him to press the bus bell at a certain part of the journey (I can understand the uncertainty as to when is the best time to press the bell. Usually he leaves it to me to do it. Recently I saw that he tried pressing right before alighting - definitely too late.) Train him to sit near the door on the bus (so he won't be blocked by commuters when it's time to alight)? Not easy to change his habits. Let him walk home instead of taking a bus from the nearby mrt station? The Dad is worried about him crossing roads. Let him wear the SMRT new tag that says "Please alert me when I am approaching my stop"? But he's already wearing a lanyard showing his disability transport card on one side and my contact particulars on the other. Wouldn't adding more cards (the SMRT tag comes in 2 pieces, one side to write where to alight) make it harder for him to tap his transport card? The visual tracker had also shown Calder playing at lifts (pressing the button and going to another lift to do the same , returning to the same lift to take it again) instead of following his training procedure. Give him a watch so he'd know not to be late for work? But he has dry skin around his wrists and may discard the watch en route.

Teaching Calder to travel independently is not straightforward after all. There are many variables that can go amiss and it has landed him in unexpected situations. It has also tested his parents' resilience circumventing all sorts of obstructions and strategizing ways to rescue him time and again. May God give us wisdom in this endeavor and protect Calder as he figures his way around the transport system in Singapore. 

Travelling Independently

Today is 14 August 2025. On this day, Calder travelled independently to and from work for the first time. Calder is 20 years old and autistic. We stay in Hougang. Calder works at Siglap. 

Calder started working at Dignity of Work in St Andrew's Autism Centre this June. It is a one-year trial program, a part-time sheltered workshop that involves urban farming of green vegetables.

When I was told he had passed the assessment for this program, I didn't know if it was good news because we stay so far away and there's no transport provided. I don't drive and I don't have a domestic helper to tag along with him. What this means is that I would have to be the one to accompany him on public transport, wait for him to finish work before accompanying him home. 

I happened to be on a teaching break (the module I usually teach at SIT is not offered during this trimester) so I decided to give it a go. It's good to have something to occupy Calder. And during the assessment, I saw that he was very happy to return to his old school at St Andrew's. We chose the afternoon shift because then we can sleep till we naturally wake. Calder would work from 1.30 to 5pm.

I knew that for this arrangement to be sustainable, Calder might have to learn to travel to work on his own. So instead of a long ride on Bus 43 (I was concerned he might miss the stop or press the bell too late or get down from the upper deck too slowly - he likes to sit right at the back of buses and prefers to wait for the bus to stop before getting up), I decided we would use the MRT. 

So, I started bringing Calder to St Andrew's Autism Centre on a one-and-half-hour journey, waiting for him to finish work before accompanying him home on another one-and-half-hour journey. How did I spend the 3-and-half hours waiting for him? I imagined myself a tourist and walked around first Bedok, then Marine Parade. It's not easy because I was used to napping in the afternoon. The new routine meant that I got so tired from walking and not napping that I could hardly stay awake to help Calder practise piano in the evenings. No energy definitely to enjoy my nightly leisure (watching variety shows) after Calder had gone to bed. 

By the 3rd week, I felt like a restless zombie. It didn't help that when school reopened in July for St Andrew's students, the caregivers' corner was so crowded with domestic helpers that sometimes I had no place to sit while waiting for Calder near the entrance. I didn't think I could keep at this, not if I wanted to return to work in September. 

So I asked if Calder could take the school bus with St Andrew's students. But the school does not operate during school holidays. Do we want to pay the full fee even when we have to make our own way in December and weeks of November? And there's no transport subsidy because Calder is on a trial sheltered workshop program. We found out that without subsidy, monthly transport fee would be more than $500. That decided it: Calder would learn to take public transport to work. 

What took us so long to decide? It's because Calder hardly talks and doesn't ask for help. He doesn't want to answer questions either. What would happen if he gets lost or encounters train disruptions? When I took the train with him, I saw how crowded it was on the way home. How would he be able to get off the train if he doesn't loudly say "excuse me"? 

But I saw that he knew the way to and from work, because he was always walking ahead of me. Like a robot, he could be trusted to operate on auto-pilot, if everything else stays constant. Regarding the crowded train on the way home, I taught him to move to the door at Serangoon station where many people would get off (and many would enter). 

But I focussed first on the trip to work because that's during off-peak hours and easier to navigate. Using color note app, I created a checklist of steps that would lead Calder to St Andrew's. Then slowly, I began disappearing from the last steps. In other words, I left Calder earlier and earlier on the way to work. For instance, one day I said goodbye to him at Exit 2 of Siglap mrt station. The next day, I said goodbye at the mrt gantry. The following day, I dropped off the train earlier at Marine Parade, letting him travel to Siglap by himself. Later, I sent him until Outram mrt, letting him make his way to the brown line himself. Now, I say goodbye to him at our door. 

To track him as he travels by himself, I use the Find Hub app on his handphone. I also put my telephone number at the back of his bus card, stating clearly that he has autism. I let him wear a sunflower lanyard signalling his hidden disability (though this doesn't seem to be well understood by Singaporeans, including transport crew). Acting upon a runner friend's suggestion, I also weaved an identity tag (with my phone number) through the lace of his right shoe. Later, we bought a visual tracker from Taobao that connects with his handphone's hotspot to allow us to see his journey in real-time (though image is blurry during movement). 

After training him to go to work on his own, I started training him to return home. It was the same journey in reverse. I didn't think he needed a checklist but created one anyway to remind him to eat a snack first (so he wouldn't be unstable due to hunger) and to move to the door at Serangoon station (so it's easier for him to exit two stops later). Once again, I began disappearing from the end of the checklist. But I saw that even though I said goodbye, he was apt to wait for me because Mommy had to get home anyway. So I found legitimate reasons to part. For instance, I let him drop off at Hougang while I continued the journey to Buangkok, explaining that Mommy had to go buy grocery. Later, I dropped off at Marine Parade on the reason that I wanted to pack duck rice for our dinner. For the return journey, it helped when Calder's Dad was home to receive him. Often, I told Calder Daddy was waiting to go jogging with him. That gave him something to go home to. 

We saw on Find Hub that Calder would linger at certain places. Through the visual tracker, we confirmed that he was playing at the lifts. Since young, Calder likes to press lift buttons. It became an obsession where he would expand the circle of lifts to visit. Once he even dashed across the road to reach an opposite lift. That's when I decided to put a stop to this hobby and consciously steered him away. After Covid, I explained to him that pressing lift buttons collects germs on our finger. (Unfortunately, germs that can't be seen are too abstract to be effective deterrent.) But now that he's been granted the freedom to travel, he has returned to his passion. I saw recently that he's once again pressing the button of every lift he passes. I do not wish to see him go out of the way to visit lifts. It was especially concerning when the visual tracker showed him returning to the same lift three times before coming home. I do not wish Calder to get trapped in loops or obsessions again. Maybe I can entice him to return home directly by telling him there's nice drink or food waiting for him.

After weeks of training, today is the day to let him not just go but also come back from work by himself. I sent the checklist to his job coaches and asked one staff to help me turn on the visual tracker on his haversack (it has limited battery power), before he made his way home. Thereafter I enjoyed the luxury of an unhurried nap and then grocery shopping. At the supermarket, I received notification that Calder had been sent on his way home and hopefully the tracker worked.  

Thank God it did. The tracker showed Calder to be at the back of a very crowded train. Then Find Hub showed that he didn't get off at Hougang as he ought. Most likely he couldn't get out. Calder's Dad left the house to look for him. I stayed home, toggling between Find Hub and the visual tracker to locate Calder. The problem with Find Hub is that sometimes it cannot detect location, especially when the train is underground. Likewise, the visual tracker cannot load when there's limited data. But the latter is comforting because watching Calder's surroundings made me feel like I am travelling with him. When the visual tracker showed Hougang interchange (it could report only to one phone and that's mine), I informed Calder's Dad to come home.

Calder finally reached home, thirty minutes late and rather subdued. I assume it must have been a harrowing experience when he couldn't get off the train. (The visual tracker showed him crossing over to the opposite platform at Punggol station.) Soon after, Daddy came home, with a cup of ijooz for Calder. We congratulated him for being brave and successfully making his way home. He didn't grin at the orange juice, probably still in stunned mode. But he downed it quickly enough. 

I was keeping a St Andrew's staff updated on Calder's trip home. When it became clear that Calder was safely making his way back, the staff asked me an interesting question: On a scale of 1-10, what is my level of fear or concern allowing Calder to travel on his own? I told the staff that this question requires reflection, which I shall do here.

There're reasons why I waited 20 years to teach Calder to travel independently. Besides his reluctance to talk, he has seldom shown initiative to contact us. The handphone he has with him is for us to track him and for him to play word games. Of course, now it's also handy for check-listing. Calder is also reveted by children crying (he would very likely miss his stop if this happens when he should alight) and can get triggered if he hears the angry tone of a scolding parent. If I have any fears, it's that I wouldn't be around to calm him if he melts down en route. What if he stands too close to other people (I had to remind him to leave a gap when standing on escalator) and get reprimanded himself? What if he snatches his favourite seat (which happens to be any corner priority seats facing the opening doors) when there are old people standing? What if transport crew use too stern a tone to issue instructions? What if he has drunk too much water and is urgently in need of a toilet during the long journey? What if he meets fierce dogs walking from St Andrew's to Siglap station? What if it rains heavily and he carries his umbrella on one side as usual? All these concerns make me waver over the scale of 1 to 10.

That said, I think I'm on the higher side of the scale because I'm by nature optimistic. I'm also on the higher side because I have supernatural help. 

Not long ago, I read this bible verse:

Hebrews 1:14 NIV

Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?

There's also my favorite verse: 

Psalms 34:7 NIV

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

Even as I pray every day that Calder would be protected as he travels by himself, I'm assured that God's angel/s accompany him when I'm not around.

And God watches out for us. Calder was supposed to go to work by himself as usual two days ago. But I had a Bible Study Fellowship gathering and made my way to Buangkok mrt station one hour before he set off. Buangkok station was in semi-darkness that morning. I realized that there was a power outage that affected the northeast line - I had to take the bus to get to my destination. Most importantly, I was in time to alert Calder's Dad to not let Calder set off for work. If not for going to Buangkok station earlier, I wouldn't have known of the train disruption. And Calder would have been stranded at Hougang mrt. I was so grateful that God had once again filled in where I was lacking. 

The day before was a Monday with no work for Calder because a break was instituted due to National Day, though not a public holiday. I forgot and was ready to send Calder off to travel to Siglap on his own, if not for his sister telling me she had no school that day. Imagine him travelling all the way to St Andrew's only to face an empty or even locked centre. 

There was even once when I let him cross the overhead bridge to take the bus without his bus card. (I hadn't realized it when I took a picture of him in his getup, thinking such a picture would be handy if he gets lost and I need to ask passers-by if they've seen him.) After he got on the bus, I wondered why it didn't move off immediately. Later I figured it must have been because he couldn't pay for the trip. When I returned home from seeing Calder off, I saw his bus card hanging by the entrance! Without a transport card, it is impossible to cross the mrt gantry. I got on my bicycle and raced after him. But I missed him because he was making his way home. I hadn't known that and tried video-calling him, using Find Hub's sound alarm to alert him to pick up his phone. He saw me on the screen and grinned but as usual didn't talk. I asked him to turn around so I could ascertain his whereabouts. He didn't but I saw from his background that it's because he was on the bus. I assured him that Mommy was going to find him. Find Hub confirmed his direction, so I turned my bicycle around. When I returned home, he had already reached home, leaving the door open. It was already running late - I thought I'd excuse him from work, until I realised he had returned home to get his bus card and was ready to set off again. Through this incident, I discovered that he could go home on Bus 27 himself and he was more resilient than I thought. 

I'm actually a rather blur person, forgetting things and leaving out important details. Left to my own device, Calder would often be stranded. So I'm thankful for God sending me reminders and alerts and giving me the presence of mind to make snap decisions.

I see the need to train Calder because among the sheltered workshops, only MINDS provides transport to and from home. When I was searching for an after-18 program for him, I saw that many doors would open if he could cross this hurdle. 

Certainly the staff at St Andrew's Autism Centre boosted my efforts. The job coaches let me know when Calder has arrived and help me remind him to send me his selfie upon arrival. One even volunteered to pick up Calder at Siglap mrt for a start and was ready to search for him there when Find Hub showed him lingering. From the staff, I received texts like "It's amazing how you've gotten him to come over from Hougang independently" and "I'm impressed with how you are doing this" - timely encouragements that provided strong wind beneath my wings. 

I'm also in the process of translating "My Way: 31 Stories of Independent Autism" into Mandarin to benefit Chinese-speaking readers. In one of the stories (Time to Train), the interviewee revealed that being bullied trained him to cope with problems. It dawned on me that Calder would also need to learn to cope with unexpected changes. Hence, turn of events (like him missing his stop today) is not unfortunate but an opportunity. I'm impressed he knows to cross over to the opposite platform at Punggol. And the incident has shown him another way to get home if it's too crowded to alight. 

To guard against train disruptions, I set a handphone alarm to check train service status before sending Calder off to travel on his own. I've also written to the transport minister to encourage transport crew to look out for persons with intellectual disability in the event of train disruptions. If Calder should meet with other obstacles, I pray that he would find a way around. Meanwhile, may God's angel/s keep him calm and send him home safely each day.

Speechlessness

At 20, Calder has become reticent. He gets upset if we ask him too many questions. (At this point, I'm wondering how to send him for mental capacity assessment to apply for deputyship - surely many questions would be asked to verify that he cannot answer them.) Last week, a new gym trainer at NCSF Uplift tried to engage in friendly introductions only to face his stony silence. To prevent a meltdown, I stepped in to explain that Calder doesn't communicate but learns well from demonstrations. At the beginning of this year, Calder was hospitalized for acute back pain. He met many doctors and nurses and I had to repeatedly announce that he doesn't talk and can't answer their questions accurately. As I was pronouncing this limitation, I was heavy at heart, aware that it reinforced the speechlessness: "Mommy is saying I cannot talk so therefore I can't/shan't." (Maybe I should do such explanation surreptitiously in writing instead of aloud.) Currently I'm hoping to train Calder to travel independently but am concerned how he is to get help if stuck. So I return to the free Speech Assistant AAC app I downloaded some time back, that can perhaps "speak" on his behalf, provided he has the initiative to either sound or show it. The phrases can be modified and users can choose a suitable voice. Text can also be enlarged for easy viewing. Sharing about it here for the benefit of other autism families.

Rocking

There is an old aunty in my church who told me that she only talks when she comes to church. At home, her children don't converse with her because she's hard of hearing. So I make a point to chat with her a little (must speak more loudly into her left ear) during Sunday breakfasts. From her candid remarks, I got to see Calder from a different perspective.

When I told her Calder is my son, she exclaimed: "I thought this fellow was very strange! He can play the piano but he doesn't talk!"

And last Sunday, she remarked: 

"When your son sits, he rocks." 

I replied: "Oh, I hadn't realised that. But it doesn't matter (不碍事)." 

And she said, "你很看得开。” (Hard to translate this.)

To this old aunty, it's probably tragic to have a child who behaves atypically. But I wouldn't stop Calder from rocking because he probably does that because he is "at peace". (If agitated, his leg would jiggle.) 

Maybe there was a time when I cared about how Calder look to others. 21 years into parenthood, I only care that he's calm and contented, if not happy.